


Strangers again

by Slytherinbarbz



Series: The price we pay to feel [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (past/mentioned) Eating Disorders, BAMF Hermione Granger, Daddy Issues, Draco Malfoy Needs a Hug, Enemies to Lovers, Frustration, Harry Potter is a Good Friend, Hermione Granger is a Good Friend, Hogwarts Inter-House Friendships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Mental Health Issues, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Trust Issues, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherinbarbz/pseuds/Slytherinbarbz
Summary: “Please tell me I meant something.”A newly recovered Hermione returns to Hogwarts for her sixth year. She’s excited about being back in the wizarding world after leaving so abruptly in the fifth year, but will she feel the same way after she realizes things are not the same? Nothing’s the same. Especially a platinum blonde boy with tired eyes. The one she grew so close with last year.“You left like I was never a reason to stay.”
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley (minor), Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Series: The price we pay to feel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914289
Comments: 17
Kudos: 72





	1. not the same

**Author's Note:**

> I suggest you read part one (Everything we can't control), but if you're a little lazy, this is a brief recap: Hermione's anxiety gets so bad she develops an ED and gets severely depressed. Draco has issues with alcohol. Hermione helps him get sober, because they became friends after getting partnered together for a group project. Nobody really sees Hermione suffer. Eventually, since she's so underweight she overdoses easily and by accident on adderall and slips into a coma. She's taken out of school and placed into a mental health facility. Now she returns for the sixth year.

“You ready?” Harry asked Hermione while he gently squeezed her hand. She shot him a small smile and nodded. On the other side of her stood Ron with a hand resting on her shoulder. Together they got onto the train and looked for an empty cabin where they settled in.

After everything she went through last year, Hermione couldn’t wait to start school again. She needed a steady pattern filled with normalcy. No better place than at Hogwarts. Hermione’s summer was kind of hectic. After she was released from the treatment centre for her eating disorder, Hermione had a relapse. It was painful for her and her parents, but it was a wake up call for them. The therapy, the treatments, they weren’t helping Hermione as they’d hoped. It was hard for Hermione to keep Hogwarts, magic, etc. a secret during therapy. Her parents thought magic was precisely what was making her sick. They were even considering sending her to a muggle school. But after her relapse they finally understood that this wasn’t her world anymore.

Hermione got a witch-therapist, Reminica Rindalo. Minnie for short. Mental health was rarely recognized in the Wizarding World, but a few half bloods and muggle borns have been pushing a mental health awareness campaign. Reminica was one of the only therapists in this ‘new’ field. Hermione was lucky to have gotten her as a therapist.

Immediately, Hermione clicked more with her than her previous therapist, whom she didn’t even get past a first-name basis with. To make their appointments easier, Hermione moved in with the Weasley’s. She faced a hard talk with Harry, Ron and Ginny, but all of them felt so much better after it. Her friends didn’t understand Hermione’s issues completely, but they were very understanding about them. Hermione opened up about not wanting to be treated like a fragile little girl, and they listened, though they couldn’t help to worry once in a while.

“I’m going to go say hello to some people.” Hermione announced, standing up. She carefully worded the sentence, but the boys got the message. She was going to see Blaise, Theo and Draco.

“Wait,” Harry grabbed her wrist before she left the cabin. ”Hermione, things aren’t the same. People, they change.”

“I know, Harry.” Hermione let out a small laugh.

“I- just don’t get your hopes up.” Hermione was puzzled by his wording, but didn’t inquire further.

She left the cabin and headed deeper into the train searching for her Slytherin friends. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure if they still considered her their friend. She didn’t owl them since she… left, and they didn’t owl her either. Hermione wasn’t exactly bothered by it. She had more on her mind than to worry about who owls her or not, but she still worried if they’d just forgotten about her.

Deep in her thoughts, Hermione absentmindedly slammed into another body. After collecting herself and looking up, ready to apologize, Hermione was stunned into silence. “Hi.” She managed to croak out after a few moments.

“Hi,” Blaise answered, equally stunned. “Didn’t know if you were coming back or not.” Hermione had expected a bit of a more enthusiastic greeting from him, but didn’t comment on it verbally.

“Well, here I am.” 

“And are you… okay?”

“Yes, I am.” Hermione answered honestly. She got triggered once in a while, but she had learned healthy coping mechanisms and had a good support system around her. She’d still owl Minnie at least once a week. If she needed it, she’d have access to a floo call with her too.

“Good.” Blaise said, before stuffing his hands in his pockets. ”Well, take care.” And with that, he brushed past her.

Hermione’s surprise turned into insecurity and impending anger. She was expecting a kiss on the cheek, or at least a hug. Blaise was usually very giddy, just like a child, but now he was giving her the cold shoulder.

Hermione’s nerve disappeared as she headed back to her own cabin before finding the other two boys.

“Couldn’t find them.” Hermione lied through her teeth before closing the cabin door behind her. She settled back in with Harry and Ron. They didn’t really speak much, though. 

Hermione wouldn’t say this out loud, but both of them have been acting differently around her. They still teased her, joked with her, but something was different in the air. At first, Hermione thought it was because of her eating disorder, but lately she was thinking it was something deeper. She had gotten a brief summary of what happened late last year from Ginny. Ron barely talked about it and Harry never mentioned it. Obviously losing Sirius was painful for him, but it was more than just grief; part of Harry just wasn’t there.

Hermione and Harry have always been close. He was her chosen family and she his. They told each other everything and sometimes when they met up in the muggle world in their holidays people would mistake them for a couple. Last year, everything changed. Harry didn’t even notice Hermione pulling back from him. That was probably what was making it so hard for them to click. Hermione felt Harry didn’t trust her anymore. Nothing ever made his trust waver, not even when she befriended the notoriously evil Slytherins, but  _ this _ did. He couldn’t rely on her anymore.

When the train stopped, the three friends gathered their things and got off. Hermione struggled a bit with her heavy bags. Her mind briefly flashed back to the previous year when she returned from Christmas holiday and Draco carried her bags for her. They weren’t nearly as heavy, but she remembered clear as day how much more she struggled with them. The thought of how brittle and frail her body was at the time made Hermione shiver. What’s worse was that nobody noticed. No one but Draco.

Hermione’s eyes shot out over the crowd of students, looking for the familiar platinum hair. Her heart slightly faltered when she realized he was nowhere to be seen. Draco had been on her mind a lot. At first, she tried to convince herself her feelings for him were just a side effect of a starved delirium, but not once did she fail to blush when she thought of him. Hermione felt so silly for convincing herself he didn’t care about her. She was so blinded by her own insecurities, she completely ignored the fact that Draco always brought her food and made sure she ate, even noticing when she stopped. She ignored how he stopped drinking.  _ For her _ . She ignored how he  _ kissed _ her. 

Hermione’s head was more clear now, and she realized both of them were flirting and playing for almost a whole year. It wasn’t one sided. All she wanted to do was tell him how stupid she was and explain everything to him. And then recreate the moment they shared in the Infirmary last year (and then some).

This year, Hermione was once again sharing a room with Ginny. The girl didn’t sit with them on the train because she and Harry broke up last year and Ron still didn’t know they dated in the first place. Hermione felt guilty for missing such a big point in Ginny’s life. Especially since she felt partly responsible. Everything was going fine with them before Hermione overdosed.

Ginny reassured her that it was not her fault at all. She said that Harry didn’t think it was safe for them to continue dating, and Ginny felt guilty about hiding it from Ron, but Hermione knew there was more to the story. But she didn’t pry about it.

Hermione was hoping she could catch Draco and Theo before dinner started, but once again, she couldn’t find them. She thought about maybe sneaking into the Slytherin common room after dinner, but then she saw Theo, Draco and Blaise enter the Great hall together. They were late to the feast. Hermione smiled and waved at them, but they looked right through her, as if she were see-through. Hermione’s face faltered. Maybe they hadn’t seen her. Deep inside, Hermione knew better. They had definitely seen her and even if they hadn’t, Blaise would’ve told them she was back. Why didn’t they look for her to say ‘hi’? It was like they were avoiding her.

All throughout dinner Hermione was looking at the three boys. Not once did any of them spare her a glance. Near the end of dinner, Astoria Greengrass swooped in next to Draco. Hermione’s eyes widened.  _ Why is she there? _ Hermione’s heart and jaw dropped when she saw what happened next: Astoria looped her arm through Draco’s and clutched it while placing a kiss on his cheek.

Hermione wanted to cry then and there, but kept herself composed while she tried to rationalize the situation. Draco didn’t owe her anything. She left. He was well within his rights to move on, even though they never officially had something to move on from. It still hurt. But Astoria? Of all people, why did it have to be Astoria? She was one of the nicer girls from Slytherin, and definitely the prettiest, even if she was younger than everyone else. Hermione couldn’t help but envy her slightly.

“When did  _ that _ happen?” Hermione asked Padma, who was sitting next to her. Nobody but Harry, the Weasleys and the 3 Slytherins (though in much less detail) knew about why Hermione really left. A rumor circulated school about her passing out from too much stress. It was believable and not surprising, so everyone just went with it. No one had asked Hermione to confirm, because everyone assumed it was true.

“Dunno. I think they got engaged some time over the summer.” Padma answered.

“Engaged?” Hermione exclaimed.  _ They have never even spoken. Not last year at least. How could Draco forget about her so easily. _

“It’s pureblood tradition. I’m pretty sure it’s arranged.” Hermione took note of Draco’s careless demeanor. He didn’t react at all when Astoria kissed him. It didn’t even look like he was listening to the girl.

Hermione examined him a bit closer. His eyes looked incredibly tired, with large bags underneath. His hair was untamed, and his tie was crooked. If Hermione wasn’t so head over heels for him, she would’ve said he looked like absolute shit. She couldn’t help but worry. Theo didn’t look that much better, either. Hermione wondered what happened to them.

After dinner Hermione went straight to her room, exhausted by all the seemingly minor changes around Hogwarts. After a quick shower, Hermione settled into her bed. Oh, how she missed her Hogwarts bed. She used to complain about the stiffness of them, especially compared to Draco’s fancy, imported mattress, but she could never get quite used to any other bed. They were all just  _ too _ soft.

“You alright?” Ginny asked as she entered the room.

“Fine.” Hermione took note of Ginny’s appearance: her hair was up in a braided bun, her face was wearing some light make-up, and she had a short, red dress on. “Going somewhere?”

“You know how it is. Party in the common room the first day back. Fred and George have enough pepper-up potions for tomorrow’s hangovers so pretty much everyone’s going. You should come.”

“I’m pretty tired.”

“Hermione, it’s barely even nine. You should come. It’d be good for you.” Ginny said softly. She didn’t want Hermione to shut herself off from everyone like last year. Keeping her busy with social activities would hopefully keep her mind off anything else. “Besides, you can be my wingman. I’m tired of being single.”

“So you and Harry are really over, huh?” Hermione asked.

“We were over before we even broke up. And a girl like me doesn’t stay single for long.”

“I love your confidence.” Hermione said truthfully. She admired Ginny for a plethora of things. It would be impossible for her to name them all.

“Nothing’s stopping you from being just as confident.” Hermione snorted to this. “I’m serious, ‘Mione. You just need to get out of your shell a bit more. You have nothing to be insecure about. You’re breathtaking, inside and out. Not a lot of people can say that. If you’d just treat yourself a bit better.”

“I treat myself just fine,” Hermione huffed. Ginny shot her a look so she added a mumbled: “Now.”

“Hermione, get out of bed and get dressed. I’m not taking no for an answer.” Hermione knew better than to argue with Ginny. That girl had a will made of steel. She quickly pulled on a pair of mom jeans and a blue wrap shirt. “Those make your bum look good.” Ginny commented.

“Ginny!” Hermione blushed and wrapped her arms around her waist, feeling a bit self conscious.

“None of that.” Ginny swatted her hands away. “You look great stop fussing. Now let me fix that birdsnest you call hair.”

Ginny cast a quick straightening spell on Hermione’s hair. Instead of her hair being straight as needles, her frizzy bush transformed into nice curly waves. Hermione had very stubborn hair that didn’t like to work with her. It had a whole life of its own. Sleekeazy only ever worked when she used a whole bottle. This spell tamed her curls instead of straightening them out, but Hermione quite liked it like this. Maybe she could use the spell a bit more often.

After a little dash of blush and mascara, Ginny pulled Hermione out into the roaring common room. There were bottles of firewhiskey and butterbeers everywhere. The twins were playing drinking games with a few of the second years (Hermione scowled at the sight), Ron and Harry were trying to outdrink each other, the first years watched in bewilderment from a little corner. 

Hermione felt completely out of her element surrounded by all this chaos. Contrary to the belief of a lot of her classmates, she really wasn’t that judgemental about drinking and partying, she just didn’t like participating herself. Hermione understood that this was generally just part of being a teenager, but she rarely felt the need to behave this way. It didn’t do much for her popularity, but Hermione never minded.

However, after what she saw Draco go through last year, she couldn’t help but feel nauseous and guilty. She couldn’t imagine how he must’ve felt during all those Slytherin parties.

“‘Mioneeee,” Ron slurred as he walked up to her with two drinking in hand. “Here, have a drink.” her swung his arm over her shoulders, pulling her in for an awkward hug while shoving a drink into her hands.

“I think you’ve had enough, Ron.” Hermione ‘joked’ and grabbed the other drink out of his grasp too, setting them down on the table. He didn’t even notice.

“Did you see me win?!” The boy was swaying, barely able to stand up straight on his two feet. Hermione gently led him to the couch and plopped them both down. “The chosen one my ass, he can’t even take a shot.”

Hermione was slightly amused by her friend’s drunken stupor, although annoyed that she would now inevitably have to babysit Ron for the rest of the night. Across the room she saw Ginny getting a bit too friendly with Dean. At least one of them was having a good time. “Ron, where’s Harry?” Harry was known to have a shit tolerance, and an even shittier gag reflex. Hermione worried he might be choking on his own vile somewhere.

“Dunno, fuckin’ Cho maybe.” Ron snuggled into her side, like a little puppy. 

“He moved on that fast?” Hermione muttered.

“Whatchu mean?” Ron mumbled into her shoulder. Hermione cursed herself for letting it slip, but was thankful Ron was probably too pissed to remember anything.

“Nothing.” Ron was starting to doze off and Hermione could tell. She shrugged him awake with his shoulder. “Let’s get you to bed, okay?”

Hermione struggled to carry Ron up the stairs. His legs were barely moving. She started silently cursing Ginny for making her go out in the first place. While she was getting it on with Dean, Hermione was stuck taking care of her brother.

Hermione finally got Ron into bed. She took off his shoes before throwing a blanket over him. She couldn’t help but laugh to herself. Everyone always joked that she was the mom of the group, and now she was finally starting to believe them. This  _ was _ very motherly of her.

“Hermy?” Ron mumbled into his pillow. Hermione rolled her eyes in annoyance at the nickname. Sometimes she hated her parents for naming her ‘Hermione’. Even her first (and only) boyfriend struggled to pronounce her name until they were months into the relationship.

“Yes, Ronald?”

“I’m gonna be sick.” Before Hermione could even process his words, he was spewing all his contents out on her jeans. Hermione’s mind couldn’t help but flash to last year, when she was sitting on the tile, bathroom floor with her fingers so far down her throat, her knuckles would bruise.

“Ron!” Hermione shrieked. Right on cue, 2 other boys entered the room. One burst out laughing. Cormac. “Shut up, McLaggen!” Usually Hermione wouldn’t have snapped like that on someone she barely ever spoke to, but she couldn’t find the humor in this situation.

“Get a load of this, Harry. Now both you  _ and _ your best mate can’t hold their drinks.” Cormac teased as he, similarly to how Hermione did with Ron, plopped Harry down on his bed. Harry wasn’t much better off than Ron, but at least he’d already purged his stomach in the bathroom.

“Dick.” Hermione muttered under her breath, earning another hefty laugh from Cormac.

“I’m just kidding.” He smiled and scourgified Hermione’s clothes.

“Thanks.” Hermione had left her wand in her room. She wouldn’t have wanted a repeat of last year, when Draco threw up on her and Theo told her to throw on his clothes. She guessed she didn’t mind it all too bad, since she did indeed keep his clothes, and even wore them when she was getting treated for her disorder. They comforted her. Hermione even charmed them so that Draco’s scent wouldn’t leave them.

“No problemo.” The two awkwardly stood in the room, next to drunken boys that both smelled of whiskey and bile. Neither really knew what to say, until Cormac broke the tension. “So… you were talking about my dick?”

Hermione’s jaw dropped as she felt her face starting to heat up. “I- I was not!”

“Lighten up, ‘Mione. I’m just teasing.” Hermione didn’t like that he used her nickname. ‘’Mione’ was reserved for friends, and she doubted how much she’d want to befriend a guy who makes such crude comments barely knowing a girl.

“Very funny.” Hermione said sarcastically. “Well, I should be going.”

“Stay.” Cormac gently grabbed her arm before she could move past him. “Imagine the rumors if you come down from the boys’ dormitory, hair all messy. Wait ‘till the party’s over.”

“The party won’t be over for hours.” Hermione wiggled out of his grip. “And my hair isn’t messy.” Ginny made sure of that.

Cormac quickly ruffled Hermione’s hair with his now free hand. “It is now.” He laughed as if it was the funniest thing. Hermione forced out a small chuckle out of politeness. “So, how was your summer?”

The pair ended up having a nice conversation. After Hermione got over her initial annoyance, she realized Cormac really wasn’t that bad. Especially when he cut the crude jokes. He was actually funny. The two were laughing for hours, and not once did Harry or Ron wake up. Mclaggen even gave her his robes after she shivered.

Hermione went to bed with a smile on her face that night, happy she listened to Ginny (who didn’t show up until 5 am). 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Hermione acted like a giddy child. It was her first day back at Hogwarts. She missed school so much. Sure, she over exerted herself last year which sent her down a rabitthole of selfdestruction, but before that she had always loved school and learning. Year 5 was just a temporary set back.

Harry and a very hungover Ron walked with her to breakfast. Fred and George decided to tease Ron by not giving him the pepper-up potion. Hermione thought it was an adequate punishment for his behaviour last night. Ron gave her an apologetic grin when she informed him that she had to babysit him all night. The fun didn’t last long though, for Ron’s grumpy mood was ruining hers too.

“Stop bitching.  _ You _ decided to drink last night, now deal with the consequences.”

“Hermione, you just don’t get it. Your idea of fun is Arithmancy and Transfiguration.”

“No, my idea of fun just isn’t limited to drinking myself numb.” Hermione retorted. 

“She’s got a point there, mate.” Harry playfully shoved Ron in his side, who still fazed by a headache, stumbled right into Hermione, causing her to fall right into a pair of familiar arms.

For a brief moment time stopped for Hermione. She looked up into the familiar grey eyes. They were like a storm at sea, and Hermione would willingly fall into them any day. She could see the raw emotions swirling in his eyes. He was so close to her, she could smell the intoxicating scent of his cologne. 

Hermione wasn’t prepared to run into him like this. She was at a loss of words. But nothing could prepare her for what came out of Draco’s mouth next.

“Out of my way,  _ mudblood _ .”

Hermione felt herself being shoved up against a wall. Hard. But nothing could compare to the pain she felt in her chest. It was like she was being crushed inside. Draco hadn’t said that word in so long, it sounded foreign coming out of his mouth. Hermione hadn’t heard that word come out of  _ anyone _ ’s mouth in what felt like an eternity. Draco, Blaise and Theo threatened whoever did.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch her, Ferret.” Harry warned, taking a protective step in front of her.

“And what are you going to do about it, Pothead? Cry to mummy?” 

“Oh, wait. She’s dead.” Theo finished. Hermione furrowed her brows in confusion.  _ What the fuck has possesed them? _

Harry charged for the both of them, but Hermione pulled him back, putting aside the emotions that were swirling in her head. “Harry, don’t. They’re not worth getting expelled for.”

“I’d listen to your bitch if I were you, Potter.” Draco said finally before passing by them, making sure to bump into Ron. His friends followed.

“What the fuck has gotten into them?” Hermione mumbled under her breath, trying to disguise her hurt by speaking so softly.

“I told you, ‘Mione. Everything’s changed.” Harry said with a comforting shoulder squeeze.

As much as Hermione wanted to burst into tears right then and there, she blinked back the tears and went to breakfast as usual. The whole time she spent obsessing over why Blaise, Theo and Draco were acting this way. What could have happened to make them so… Slytherin. 

Hermione’s swirling emotions weren’t dimmed as she walked into Potions. Not only did she have to face Draco and the other Slytherins, but she would also be seeing professor Snape for the first time since the night she overdosed. She didn’t know what she should say. Did she have to thank him? Or maybe just ignore everything. He probably already forgot about her, right?

Hermione sat next to Fay Dunbar. Harry and Ron had already paired up. Neville had an empty seat next to him and was about to call her over, but she quickly sat next to Fay first, even though they had barely ever spoken. Hermione felt a little guilty, but she knew Snape’s attention would be on them if they paired up, something she really wanted to avoid.

Snape didn’t say anything to Hermione when he walked in, something she was eternally grateful for. Ignore the situation, it was. It’s what she did with the Slytherins too, not making any eye contact with them as they filled the room. One empty seat was left. Hermione scanned the room and realized Cormac was the only one missing. Maybe Ron wasn’t the only one who didn’t get a pepper-up potion.

As if right on time, Cormac stormed into the room, interrupting Snape’s lecture. His appearance was messy and disheveled. Buttons undone, tie loose. “Mr. Mclaggen. How nice of you to finally grace us with your presence.”

“Sorry, sir.” Cormac shot him a cocky grin similar to Draco’s, but for some reason it looked sleazy when Cormac did it. “Wild night.” Hermione rolled her eyes. Although they had a good talk last night, right now she was being reminded of why she never communed with him before. Hermione hated his conceited behaviour; the sheer entitlement.

“I suppose that’s where your robes went.”

“Dunno, you’d have to ask Granger.” Cormac winked at Hermione as the class erupted into coes and whistles.

“Silence!” Snape bellowed. “I hope you find detention just as amusing, mr. Mclaggen.”

Cormac took a seat next to Neville while Hermione felt her cheeks heat up. She could feel all eyes on her. Nothing happened last night! But now everyone would think it did. Just when she had gotten over last year's slut rumours, now  _ this _ .

“Mudblood whore.” Pansy whispered into her ear. Hermione didn’t reply. Instead, she tucked a curl behind her ear and tugged on her sleeves, wishing she could just disappear. This morning was turning out to be worse than she had hoped.

Across the room, Draco stared at the back of Cormac’s head, jaw clenched. Draco knew Hermione. She wouldn’t participate in a meaningless hook-up. He knew her better than all these idiots surrounding them, believing Mclaggens factless lie. Even Potter and Weasley were murmuring about. Draco knew her better than everyone else. He knew about the way she bit her lip when she was really focused, sometimes so hard it bled. Draco healed it once. He knew that she bit her pointer finger nail when she got stuck on something, but her thumb nail when she thought of something new. He knew all the little things.

Still, even knowing Cormac was lying out of his ass, Draco hated even thinking of him with Hermione. She was too good for him. Merlin, Hermione was too good for every bloke at this damn school.

“Stop staring.” Theo whispered sharply. Draco pulled his eyes away and stared out in front of him, but kept his jaw clenched. His never ending anger grew in his chest. If his father were there, he’d tell him to unclench his jaw. Malfoys mustn't show emotion. The thought paired with his jealousy and guilt for how he talked to Hermione, ate away at him. His mouth was already watering for the whiskey underneath his bed.

Hermione bolted out of Potions the moment class was over. She didn’t want anyone to have a chance to say something horrible to her again. Unfortunately, Harry and Ron caught up to her in no time. She was half expecting them to immediately bombard her with shameful comments. “Before you two say anything, Cormac is-”

“We know he’s lying, right Ron?” Harry put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and Ron nodded. Hermione was pleasantly surprised. Maybe everything was all just in her head. She had to stop thinking the whole world revolved around her.

“I doubt you’d be in the mood with my throw-up all over you.” Ron commented, sending Hermione into a fit of laughter.

  
  


Hermione ignored any and all other comments made that day. Sure, part of her still wanted to educate all these sexist assholes, but then again, what was the point? Nothing she could say would make them change their opinion. It’s on them if they want to stay in a closeted mindset. While Cormac was getting fist-bumps, Hermione was getting slurs. Everyone who’s opinion mattered knew the truth, and that was enough for Hermione. She felt a weird sense of pride. While others might perceive this silent version of her as weak, Hermione saw it as growth. A year ago she wouldn’t have had such a reaction and she’d obsess over it relentlessly. Now, she had a different perspective. It’s not that she didn’t care completely, it was her reputation, of course she cared, but she knew that this wasn’t the end of the world.

After school ended Hermione decided it was time to resume her usual routine. She headed to the library to get a head start on her homework this semester. Ron and Harry, as usual, stayed behind in the common room. Hermione didn’t really mind it, though. It gave her a chance to really focus and clear her head. Well that’s what she thought would happen.

To her utter disappointment, her least favourite Slytherins decided to show up. “So how does it feel, Granger?” Pansy said while she slid into the seat opposite to Hermione as Tracy sat in the seat next to her.

“Yeah, Granger.” Tracy continued. “How does it feel to be the house slut?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Hermione replied. “Guess I should be asking you that, huh, Pansy.”

“You think you’re  _ so _ clever, don’t you, mudblood?” Pansy bent over the table, eching closer to Hermione. “But here I am, surrounded by friends, and here you are, all alone, even with your legs spread for anyone who looks your way.”

“Can you blame them? Who would want to touch such mudblood filth.” Tracy taunted. Hermione honestly partly forgot how horrible the Slytherin girls could be. She regretted taking Draco’s ‘protection’ last year for granted.

“Pansy, Tracy, let’s go.” All three girls looked up to see Blaise leaning against a bookcase. “We’ve got better things to do.” Hermione’s eyes locked with Blaise’s.

“That we do.” Pansy muttered as she got up, followed by Tracy. “See you around, mudblood.”

Blaise’s eyes lingered on Hermione’s, as if searching for emotion, an indication of what happened and how she felt. He still cared, even if he had a shitty way of showing it. Hermione had no idea why he acted like he didn’t, and couldn’t help but feel betrayed and angry.

While she was dealing with the aftereffects of her complete mental and physical breakdown, everyone else acted like last year never happened. As if Blaise didn’t protect her when Draco got a tad too heated that one time, busting a hole in his wall. Like Hermione didn’t agree to go to the dance with Theo. Like Draco was never pulled out of that lake he nearly drowned in by her, effectively saving his life.

All of a sudden, they were strangers again. 

Draco, Blaise and Theo collectively decided to ignore the role Hermione played in their lives. Unfortunately, Hermione didn’t seem to get the memo. Now she was stuck looking like a fool. She felt like one too. Especially since she couldn’t seem to forget a whole year of her life. Sure, it was blurred by a starved mania, but the emotions were all still raw in her brain.

There had to be a reason. There just had to. Hermione refused to believe she didn’t mean anything, that she was just an insignificant blip on their radar. It’d be easier if she did. If she could just accept it, but she wouldn’t be Hermione Granger if she did.

Besides, the truth was bound to come out somehow. Blaise was already saving her from Pansy and Tracy’s relentless pestering. He could crack any moment (at least that’s what Hermione was hoping for). And she had many classes with the boys, and patrol on top of that. 

Sighing, Hermione packed up her things and headed back to her dorms, convinced she wouldn’t be able to finish any work today. There was too much on her mind. Minnie told her not to overextend herself. It could easily lead her back to that dark rabbithole of self destruction. A relapse was the last thing Hermione needed. Especially with Voldemort rising.

It did seem that Harry was not at all worried. He used to obsess over it and constantly ask Hermione to research his dreams and bond with Voldemort. He had barely mentioned him at all the past summer. Hermione didn’t know if it was good he was finally focussing on his own life, or she should worry that he seemed to be ignoring the situation completely.

“Hey, ‘Mione.” Ron greeted her as Hermione entered the common room. “Back so soon?”

“Didn’t want to over work.”

“That’s a first.” Ron chuckled. “We’re gonna go play a bit of Quidditch. Wanna grab a book and come watch?” 

Hermione smiled at him warmly. She used to always watch him and Harry practice or play for fun from the stands. Partly, worrying about them dying, while reading whatever book she chose for that week. She stopped showing up last year. She even stopped reading books just for pleasure. It’d be nice to feel the nostalgia. “Sure. Let me just put my things back in my room.”

After grabbing a book and an extra sweater, Hermione walked with a group of Gryffindors to the Quidditch field. Some students from the other houses were already there. She waved goodbye to the boys and climbed up the stairs. She saw a familiar blonde Ravenclaw sitting in the stands playing with her long locks. “Hi, Luna.”

“Hello, Hermione.” She greeted back absentmindedly. “Didn’t think I’d be seeing you on the pitch this year.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’d imagine what happened last year would be pretty offputting.” She gestured to when Draco got cubbed by Cho. Hermione shivered slightly at the memory. “But I guess since he’s not playing anymore it’s not a problem.”

“What do you mean he’s not playing anymore?”

“Haven’t you heard? Draco quit the team.” Hermione stared at the girl with wide eyes. Why would Draco quit the team? It was one of the only things that made him feel free. He loved the sport. It made no sense for him to quit the team.

“No, I hadn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I posted this chapter 3 days after the first because I just can't wait. I'm soo excited. Chapter 3 is so fun omg I can't explain how much I want to post every single chapter right the fuck now, but I have exams coming up so I won't be able to write anything in those week, but at least I could still post pre-written chapters.   
> I'll post chapter 3 in a few days. I promise the Dramione wait isn't as long as in the first story ;)  
> thanks for reading!!!


	3. The one that got away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s pathetic really,” Hermione muttered with a shaky and tearful voice. “How much I still hope it’s you and me in the end.”
> 
> “It’s not.” Draco stated what they both already knew.
> 
> “I know.”

Currently, alcohol was the only constant in Draco’s life. He gulped down another glass of firewhiskey. As if being forced into Voldemort’s inner circle, dragging his friends down with him and being forced into a loveless marriage with Astoria Greengrass weren’t bad enough, he had to endure the heartbroken look Hermione wore on her face.

He had been drinking all day, but no matter how fuzzy his vision got, he couldn’t seem to get that look out of his head. It was stuck there, every time he closed his eyes; clear as day. He wished he could just tell her everything, but he couldn’t. His mother’s life was on the line.

Not to mention Blaise didn’t stop reminding him of the danger he was putting Hermione in every time they talked. It was bad enough last year. When news hit his father that he was willingly communing with a muggleborn, Lucius’ fury hit Draco harder. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Especially not now that he was deep in the Death Eater circle.

Draco couldn’t help but feel immense anger every time he saw Hermione’s face. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t even directed at her, but he couldn’t help being angry with her, his own guilt was only fueling it more. Last year when he found out she fell into a coma after overdosing and about her eating disorder, he broke down, drowning himself in drinks every night. He felt responsible for her drug abuse. It was an irrational conclusion, but Draco thought he was the bad influence who introduced her to drugs. As if she didn’t know what they were before him. Maybe she thought that if he liked them so much, maybe she’d like them too.

And the reason her body was found so late, was because he didn’t show up to patrol. Maybe she would’ve never fallen into a coma if he had just gotten over himself and shown up. Maybe she’d be fine if he never came into his life. She would’ve probably been better off.

A different part of him, a very selfish part, was mad and hurt. Why didn’t Hermione ever tell him, or anyone for that matter, that something was wrong? Why didn’t she ask for help? She was a smart girl. She had to have known everyone would’ve been nothing but supportive of her. Why didn’t she trust him enough? How could she leave him, just like that. As if he was never even a reason to stay. 

Draco kept reminding himself that it wasn’t Hermione’s fault. She had to leave, so she could get better, but that didn’t shake the feeling that it was her fault she needed help in the first place. Draco knew he shouldn’t think like this, but he couldn’t help it. An eating disorder? Hermione Granger? The two just didn’t fit. It was just so stupid. ( **A/N I’m trying to show that a lot of people aren’t educated and don’t understand the inner workings of an ED. I, personally, in no way, shape or form, believe in this thought process.** )

In another life, possibly, they could’ve worked. He would have never been a prick to her in the first place. She would never have gotten so sick. Draco would’ve made her stay, and she wouldn’t be the one that got away. She could’ve stopped him, and in turn Theo, from ever getting the mark in the first place.

The mark. Every day Draco was reminded of why he could never have what he wanted. The Dark Mark has cursed his whole existence. Even if, by some miracle, Potter could defeat the Dark Lord and then, by another miracle, Draco wouldn’t be charged for being a death eater and committing horrible, sinful acts, even then, Hermione (or any girl for that matter) would never go for him. His arm would serve as a daily reminder of the war.

Draco woke up with a killer hangover. Luckily for him, his godfather supplied him with a somewhat endless supply of pepper-up potions. Snape didn’t condone all the drinking, but he couldn’t complete his task pissed and hungover. Draco gulped the potion down and quickly dressed himself, not even bothering with doing his buttons correctly.

He headed downstairs, where his friends and Astoria were waiting for him. One glance at Theo and guilt overtook him again. Theo had deep eye bags and a tired expression. He had followed Draco into this mess. A true friend. A stupid one, but at least he was loyal. Theo kept claiming that he was destined for this life. His father was one of the most important death eaters too. But they all knew that Theo had somewhat of a choice. He made it when Draco was forced into it. Theo would follow his best mate into anything, life or death, it didn’t matter. They were in this together.

The Zabini’s weren’t officially involved with the business, but due to Blaise’s close connections to the inner circle, it was basically expected. His mother, to protect her son and family in future situations, was a hefty benefactor to the cause. The Zabini’s were by no means  _ evil _ , unlike the Nott’s and Malfoy’s. It was a strategic move, that Draco was thankful for. Now at least one of his friends wasn’t in constant danger. Even if Dumbledore’s army won, Blaise’s reputation wouldn’t be scarred.

Draco greeted Astoria with a kiss on the cheek. He lifted her bag onto his own shoulder, and she swiftly fixed his buttons with her wand. Out of all the people Draco could’ve been paired with, he was glad it was Astoria. She was a sweet girl. Kind and caring. He liked her family too. They weren’t all too tainted. He knew Theo was head over heels for her sister, Daphne. But alas, he was in the middle of the start off a courtship with Pansy. Maybe after Draco completed his task he could give Theo some credit. Then, he could be rewarded with a choice.

“You look like shite today.” Blaise commented as the group began walking towards the Great Hall together. 

“You look like shite everyday.” Draco retorted. At least Blaise could keep things somewhat lighthearted.

“He looks  _ fine _ .” Astoria glowered at Blaise. The girl wasn’t in this engagement for love either. She had never even talked to Draco before this past summer, but she was determined to make it work. So what if it started as an emotionless arrangement, they could learn to love each other. It was a nice thought, and Draco honestly couldn’t blame her for trying to make the best of a shitty situation, but it was naive. Astoria had too much light for the life she was in. Draco’s had been dimmed a long time ago.

Draco spent the whole meal staring at the back of Hermione’s head. She had changed her usual seat. Normally, he could see her face. He would stare and analyse every twitch and emotion on her face. He’d gotten so good at it he’d bet he could read her mind without Legilimency. He could read her.

The young Death Eater snarled all throughout the meal. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Instead, he analysed her body. He didn’t like the way she was slouching in her chair. Her usual up-right, confident posture was gone. Draco could tell there was no smile on her face today.

“Stop staring.” Blaise ordered under his breath. Draco immediately looked down at his plate. His jaw remained clenched and eyes still for the rest of breakfast.

The group collectively stood up when breakfast finished. They walked Astoria to her first class, before heading to their own.

“Draco Malfoy!” A voice yelled out from behind them. Draco turned to see a pretty girl. She looked older than him. He’d seen her around, but didn’t know her name.

“Can I help you?”

“You were on patrolling duty yesterday, but you never showed.” Ah, this girl was Angelina Johnson. Head girl.

“Oh,” Draco tried his best to act like he cared, but he had the whole world on his shoulders. Being a Prefect was not his top priority right now. But he had to act like everything was normal. “Sorry. Won’t happen again.”

“It better not. You didn’t show up to the Prefect’s meeting in the train either. You keep this up and you might have your privileges revoked.” Draco tried his best not to roll his eyes. “Your duties have been rescheduled for tonight. Be by the courtyard at 10 PM sharp.” And with that the headstrong girl turned on her heel and strutted away.

“Drake,” Theo placed a firm hand on his shoulder. “You have to go. Act normal, remember?”

Draco nodded and the three boys entered their class. None could focus. School just seemed like a waste of time now. Their future’s were already set in stone. Brewing love potions and learning about boggarts was just too trivial, especially considering all the Dark spells they learned over the summer. Draco shivered at the thought, nausea creeping up his throat. He wished he could just forget about it all. Oh, to be obliviated.

The days were bleeding into each other, passing by in what seemed like mere minutes. Though some seemed neverending. But all would lead to the inevitable deadline. Draco prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that he could fix that damn cabinet.

After classes the boys retired to Draco’s room, drinking down the brown liquid they’ve grown to rely on. Draco barely got one glass down, before Blaise stopped him from drinking any more. “Patrol, remember?”

“I’m still going. Now hand me that bottle.”

“I’m not letting you go pissed, Draco. You can drink afterwards. No more slip ups.” Draco threw his empty cup at the wall out of frustration. Nobody flinched. Blaise and Theo were used to it by now and honestly, they couldn’t blame him. Blaise cast a quick  _ reparo. _ “Get cleaned up. You have to leave soon.”

Draco was too tired to make his appearance look less… tired. He could never sleep anymore. Not without alcohol anyways. He made his way to the courtyard. No one was there. Anger was already building up in him, but then he realized he was 3 minutes early. Now  _ that _ was out of character.

Draco heard light footsteps making their way towards him. He made no effort in turning around to greet the person. Not until he heard the familiar, soft sigh.

“Where’s Padma?” Hermione asked him. The moment his eyes hit hers the breath was practically knocked out of him. Merlin, how much he wanted to kiss her.

“You don’t patrol on Thursdays.” He commented. It was neither a positive or negative tone, Hermione observed. Maybe he’d be different when they were alone. Maybe he was only a dick because of the other people around them. Peer pressure.

“I had to switch from my normal days.” Hermione explained. She had wanted to scream at him, yell, pound her fists against his chest. He hurt her so much. Just one little word, but they both knew how much it meant. Instead, she acted like nothing ever happened. Draco ignored their previous altercation too.

“Why?”  _ Therapy _ Hermione thought, but she wasn’t quite ready to reveal that to him… yet.

“Why do you care?” She spat. Wrong move. While Draco was neutral before, she seemed to have set him off now.

“I don’t,” Draco snapped back to reality and put his walls back up. “Let’s get to fucking patrolling. Don’t slow me down, mudblood.”

The hope that this was all a ruse faded from Hermione’s eyes, but she wouldn’t let her disappointment show. She would hold her tears back until she could cry out into her pillow. She would not let Draco win.

Draco started walking, at quite a speed too, but Hermione kept up with him. Her hobby of running seemed to have finally been paying off. Nevertheless, it hurt that he was walking at such a speed, just because he didn’t want to be in her presence for longer than he had to. It hurt that maybe the person Hermione had grown to care for (maybe even love), didn’t even exist. Maybe he was bad all along and last year was just a cruel joke. Hermione was hurting. She was nothing to him.

“... please tell me I meant  _ something _ .” Hermione softly whispered out loud. She didn’t even notice it, and gasped out when she did, bringen a hand to her mouth. Maybe Draco didn’t hear.

“Listen here, mudblood, you mean  _ nothing _ .” Draco stopped dead in his tracks, causing Hermione to almost bump into him when he faced her. Saying those words to her hurt him more than all the Crucio’s he had endured. Hurting her hurt. But he would never let up. It was for her own good.

“Then why? Why the fuck were you so… different last year.” Hermione asked, tears brimming her eyes.

“I never changed. Don’t you get it, it was all a big, fat joke.  _ You _ are the joke.” Draco wanted to scream out.

“Oh really? Quite the lengths you’d go to for just a ‘joke’. And if it really were a joke, why haven’t you been reveling in it? Reveling in my embarrassment? Something happened, didn’t it?” Hermione was starting to get heated and talked with more confidence.

“Get it through your thick fucking skull. You’re not special. You were just a running gag between me, Blaise and Theo.” Bringing them into this was just pouring salt into the wound, but this was also where Hermione’s suspicions were confirmed. There had never been bad blood between Hermione and Blaise, and he  _ still _ treated her respectfully. Hermione could believe Draco was just kidding around, maybe even Theo, but Blaise? No, Blaise cared for her. “You’re really not so bright for the ‘brightest witch of her age’.”

“If that were true I wouldn’t be besting you in every fucking subject. If that were true,  _ I _ wouldn’t have befriended  _ the _ Chosen One. Didn’t  _ you _ oh so desperately want to befriend Harry? Hm? Are you angry that a lowly mudblood has bested you in every aspect of life?” Hermione was so so angry. She wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her. Part of her didn’t want to cause him any pain, but she pushed it back. He deserved this.

“Why you little-”

“Wait let me guess,” Hermione interrupted. “your father will hear about this!” 

And with that Draco slammed her into the wall behind them aggressively, angered by the mention of his father. Hermione regretted her words the moment they came out of her mouth. She knew better than to talk about Lucius around Draco. It was a dick move. Guilty flooded her conscious as pain flooded her back. The guilt hurt more.

“Draco I’m sorry that was-”

“Don't, “ Draco’s left hand moved from her shoulders to cup her face, while the other found its way into her hair. “Don’t you ever apologize to me.” Losing all control, Draco passionately slammed his lips onto Hermione’s, finally giving into his desire, his need. 

At first, Hermione froze, confused by what was happening. But within seconds she pushed her lips back just as hard, putting all the hurt and anger into it. Draco broke the kiss. Ha, last time it was Hermione who stopped. “Don't you fucking dare.” He said fiercely before he rekindled their lips.

His strong arms found Hermione’s waist, while her daint one's wrapped around his neck, pulling on his hair. Neither could think about the rest of the world, about the consequences if someone found out. At this moment, it was just the two of them. Nothing else mattered.

Somewhere along the line Hermione’s hot tears started framing her face. She gripped Draco’s hair harder, and dug her nails into his back. All her built up frustrations were coming out in physical forms.

When Draco’s lips started traveling lower, to the crook of Hermione’s neck, she finally took her chance to speak up. “You’re a dick.”

“I know.” Draco mumbled in between kisses.

“You hurt me.”

“I know.”

“You’re all I ever think about.” Hermione admitted. This time, Draco stopped and looked at her tear stained face. It broke him how much he had obviously hurt her, and kept hurting her. He placed his forehead on hers. Their faces were so close Hermione could smell the liquor on his breath. It broke her heart further to know he didn’t keep sober. She was probably partly to blame for it.

“You left like I was never a reason to stay.” He mumbled, barely a whisper.

“I didn’t have a choice!” Hermione defended, voice cracking.

“I know.”

Hermione didn’t want to hear that he knew. That made it worse. She wanted an explanation, though she knew nothing would make it all okay. There was no lie good enough to make the pain he caused go away.

Hermione balled her fists, Draco’s dress shirt wrapped between her fingers, and pushed him back. Hard. Then while looking at his beautiful, haunting face through blurry eyes, she slapped him. The noise echoed through the hall. Draco’s face snapped sidewards. He wanted to bring his hand up to his face, but decided against it. He didn’t look up at her. He couldn’t face her.

“It’s pathetic really,” Hermione muttered with a shaky and tearful voice. “How much I still hope it’s you and me in the end.”

“It’s not.” Draco stated what they both already knew.

“I know.” And with that, Hermione walked away, going back to her dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep accidentally quoting songs when I'm writing hahaha, but who doesn't love Katy Perry? Anyways, this is chapter 3!!! I love a good slow burn, but I get how it can be frustrating, especially after the first story. I plan to portray Draco a bit more posessive and dark than what would be healthy in a normal relationship, but there'll be a happy ending this time. There will be a few toxic traits and moments, but tbh how can they be in a functional, honest relationship in the middle of a war? A lot of 6th year Dramione fics are much too 'perfect' for my liking. This is not saying that they'll be a horrible couple, there's a lot of cute fluff in future chapters, but it's not a white-picket-fence, picture perfect love story.  
> Thanks so much for reading! Lmk what you think and if there's anything you'd like to see. <333


	4. No return

Hermione woke up feeling more tired than ever. Her soul was completely drained. Last year, she thought she had broken her own heart. In a way, she had. It was safe to assume it wouldn’t break again. Not so soon anyways. You can’t break what’s already broken, right?

Wrong.

Hearing Draco’s cruel words made Hermione want to sink to the bottom of the ocean. If it were anyone else, she would’ve hexed them straight to hell. What he said gave her reason enough to hate him forever. Nobody would blame her. Merlin, how she wished she could hate him. But it was Draco. Part of her knew there was nothing he could do or say that would make her hate him. It was simply impossible.

What made it worse was the shame and confusion she felt. One second he was cursing her out, the next he was grinding up against her, kissing her senseless. Hermione brought her hand up to her tingling lips. She wanted to smack herself. How could someone want somebody who treats them so badly? How could she give into the kiss with no hesitation after the shit Draco had said to her?

_ “I never changed. Don’t you get it, it was all a big, fat joke. You are the joke. Get it through your thick fucking skull. You’re not special. You were just a running gag between me, Blaise and Theo.” _

His words were burned into her head. Groaning, Hermione started to get out of bed. Her world might’ve stopped, but everyone else’s kept going. She needed to snap out of it. In the bathroom, she noticed a trail of love bites Draco had left on her skin, travelling from under her ear, along her neck, down to her collar bone.

Sighing, she brought out her wand and started healing the little bruises. She didn’t want to. While the marks left her with a sorrow feeling, they also made her happy in some strange way. It was proof that it was  _ real _ . She hadn’t imagined a spark and connection. It was there.

Hermione got dressed and applied the smallest amount of make-up, taking on Ginny’s advice. She felt different now, she should express it outside too. A little make-up would enhance her features just a bit. It made her feel a bit better.

Hermione was putting away yesterday’s clothes that lay on the floor. She didn’t bother cleaning them up the night before. At the bottom of her closet she noticed a heap of black clothing: Cormac’s robes. Hermione snarled at the sight, anger pushing her thoughts about Draco out. Deciding to burn them, she threw the clothing in a trashcan and cast an  _ incendio _ . 

“That’s a bad bitch move.” Ginny commented as she entered their room. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing slept-in clothes.

“I don’t know how else to express my anger. Even if I tell everyone nothing actually happened, there will always be people who don’t believe me.” Hermione sighed.

“Hermione, look at this in a positive way. See this as a gift.”

“A gift?!”

“Cormac gave you the ultimate power. Now that people think you’ve hooked up, you can tell everyone he was a shit lay and that he has a small member.”

Hermione’s jaw dropped. At first, she recoiled at the absurd idea, but then something changed. Why should her reputation be the only one that was hit? Cormac certainly deserved at least some form of punishment. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.” Ginny rolled her eyes as she started redressing. “Didn’t think you’d get on board so easily, though.”

“New year, new me.” Hermione smirked. “Spread the word about Cormac’s poor performance, will you?”

“Will do.” Ginny grinned.

Hermione had never really been a confrontational person. It was way too stressful and usually caused more unnecessary drama, but things were different now. She was not going to let others walk all over her anymore. Fuck that. She deserved to be treated better. “Enough about Cromac, tell me everything about Dean.”

On their way to breakfast Ginny told Hermione her and Dean had been hooking up again. Feelings were sparking again and they were talking about getting back together. Hermione thought it was nice Ginny didn’t sulk after Harry. She still didn’t know the full story, but no matter what happened Ginny deserved someone that would make her happy.

Harry and Ron were already at breakfast murmuring about something. A strange feat for the boys, it was more common for them to come in at the last moment than earlier than Hermione. Hermione bade Ginny, who went to sit with her own year, goodbye and went to join the boys.

“Morning.” Hermione said with a smile as she sat across from them, choosing a seat that would put her out of Draco’s view. She didn’t know what she would’ve done when she saw him again.

“Hi.” Both boys greeted her. An awkward silence fell over the group as she started putting food on her plate.

“Well don’t stop talking on my account.” Hermione joked. “What’s up?”

Ron and Harry looked at each other and then down to their plates. Harry cleared his throat while he played around with his food. “Oh just discussing holiday plans.”

Hermione furrowed her brows. “What’s there to discuss? We’re all going to the Burrow, right?” Why were they even talking about holiday plans? School had just started.

“Yeah.” Ron said. This was such a weird conversation. “Hey, Hermione, by the way. Fred said that Angelina told him that you had patrol with Malfoy yesterday.”

Hermione felt heat rise up to her face. At least she didn’t get all red when she blushed. Why was she even blushing? The night ended in tears. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Harry suddenly snapped his head up, giving Hermione his full attention.

“I didn’t know. Apparently, he missed patrol the day before and had to catch up. I wasn’t even told about the switch.” Hermione didn’t meet anyone’s eyes.

“That’s unacceptable!” Ron explained. “What happened? Did he physically do anything? What did he say? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Hermione answered. She didn’t appreciate being bombarded with questions. When did Ron even start caring so much?

“Obviously you’re not. What did he do?” He demanded protectively.

“Nothing. Honestly. We split up. Barely even talked.” Hermione lied. The words rolled off her tongue. She wondered why Draco didn’t offer to split up. It wasn’t uncommon for Prefects to split the work by going separate ways. Especially since Draco claimed he didn’t even want to breathe the same air as her.

“He called you a mudblood, didn’t he?”

“It’s Malfoy, Ron. What do you think?” It pained Hermione to say that. It was like she was finally admitting aloud that Draco hadn’t changed, and that Ron had been right all along. Merlin, she knew there was more to the story, but didn’t know if she could get it out of anyone. But if Hermione was anything, she was determined.

“I’ll kill him for you. Just say the word.” Ron squeezed her hand. His voice had softened a bit. Hermione couldn’t help but wonder why he was being like this all of a sudden.

“Ron, I have a thick skin and an elastic heart. You don’t need to go to Azkaban for something that doesn’t even bother me.” Hermione squeezed back with a smile.

“Did he seem distracted?” Harry inquired, speaking up for the first time.

“What?” Hermione was confused by the random question.

“Well he physically shoved you just a couple days ago. Why wouldn’t he take his chance to hurt you, when you’re alone and everyone’s asleep?” 

“Harry, don’t be absurd. Draco doesn’t actually want to hurt me. He doesn’t care enough to risk expulsion.” Hermione reasoned. She hated that her brain thought of this explanation. It was rational, very realistic. Maybe it was even true. Hermione didn’t want to believe it.

“Draco, huh?” Harry muttered. Hermione was confused again. She didn’t even notice calling him Draco. Harry did. “You’re being naive, Hermione.”

“How am I being naive?” Hermione was offended at Harry’s comment. Out of all three of them, she was definitely the most mature and realistic.

“You’re putting yourself into constant danger.”

“First off, like I’ve already said, I didn’t know I had patrol with Malfoy. Secondly, you’re acting like he’s some serial killer. Harry he’s literally our age! He can’t cast any damaging spells, and besides, he’s too much of a coward to actually try anything. You remember how he was wailing at that little scratch on his arm in the third year.” Hermione was getting quite heated. At Harry for offending her, but also at the constant mention of Draco. She just couldn’t seem to escape him. 

“You’d have to be pretty stupid to believe he can’t hurt you.” The ‘he already has’ was silent but understood. Hermione knew Draco could hurt her, but he wouldn’t. He was a pussy in so many ways (like trying to deny his connection with Hermione). “But then again lately you have been making a lot of stupid decisions, haven’t you?”

Hermione’s jaw dropped. She already had a rebuttal on the tip of her tongue before Harry had uttered the last sentence. She couldn’t believe he would just mention her eating disorder like that. Everyone was watching their fight unfold. Sure, they didn’t know the true context of what he meant, but still. How dare he casually mention it.

Hermione wanted to scream at him. Yell at him that he didn’t understand that it wasn’t a choice. Merlin, she just wanted him to understand. She had enough anger to fuel an army right now. Instead of causing a scene though, Hermione closed her mouth and swiftly grabbed her bag, and walked away from them.

She heard Ron smacking Harry’s head. Harry regretted his words the moment they came out of his mouth. He was just trying to protect Hermione. She was like his sister! She was family. Why couldn’t she just understand. 

“Hermione wait!” Harry grabbed his own bad and went after her, having to jog to catch up to her. “Mines, I didn’t-”

Harry was cut off by Hermione loudly slapping his face. She had a knack for doing that to the boys she cared about, it seems. Harry met her eyes after his initial shock wore off. Seeing the heavy tears threatening to fall made him lose all train of thoughts. “Fuck you, Harry.”

With that, Hermione stormed off, wiping her tears as she rushed to the closest bathroom. Harry heard a few chuckles coming from the Slytherin table. He cursed. Of course with his luck the whole scene had unfolded in front of them. In front of Malfoy.

Harry’s eyes glossed past the boy on his way back to the Gryffidnor table. He wore his signature snarl, but there was more hate behind his eyes. They seemed darker. Paired with his untidy and tired appearance, it wasn’t a good look. It only made Harry more suspicious of Draco.

Hermione quickly composed herself in the Prefects bathroom. Her makeup was ruined. She chuckled at the petulance of her problem, considering the situation of the impending war. Using her wand, she fixed the mascara stains that ran down her face and headed for her first class. 

Overall, the day was uneventful. And when Hermione says uneventful, she means literally completely uneventful. Draco didn’t show up to any of his classes. Harry took note of this too. It was strange, considering he was dressed and ready for the day at breakfast.

Hermione was too preoccupied to notice Draco’s attendance at breakfast. She wondered if he had ditched today because of her. He couldn’t stay in his room forever. How would he act when they saw each other again? Would everything go back to normal? What even was  _ their _ normal? Hermione felt like they were always changing. They had no ‘normal’.

Hermione’s day was pretty boring, though her thoughts were clouded by pain and frustrations. In the past 2 days she had been hurt by all the boys she cared about, except for Ron, which all in itself was a first. Not that she minded. But then again he didn’t exactly stick up for her with Harry. He’d never take her side publically. Overall Hermione was just hurt. 

The moment she returned to her room she changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. Part of her was pulling her to her desk to work on school, but she was already a week ahead of everyone. She wasn’t at risk of falling behind in school. She had to draw a line on the schoolwork. It was the last thing she needed right now.

Ginny brought her up some dinner and they ate it together. Then they decided to have a little girls night to cheer Hermione up a bit. 

“No Dean tonight?”

“The boys are having a little get together in Harry and Ron’s room. It'd be a bit weird if I came, don’t you think? Harry being my ex and all…” 

“They’re having a party?” Hermione’s mood had gotten a bit better with Ginny, but hearing that Harry didn’t feel a smidge of guilt and was just out partying while she felt like utter crap, made it spin completely. 

“Sorry, ‘Mione. They’re all dickless little shits.”

“That we can agree on.”

“I honestly have no idea what has possessed him. He’s been so different lately.” Ginny revealed.

“Was that why you broke up?” Hermione didn’t want to pry, but her curiosity got the better of her.

“Partly.” Ginny didn’t elaborate and that ended the discussion. 

The girls didn’t stay up for much longer, as they were both tired. Within no time Ginny was softly snoring. Hermione had grown used to the sound. Sometimes when she was visiting her parents, she could barely even sleep without a little white noise. They lived in an idyllic suburban household, with a white picket fence and neighbours who often came by to borrow some sugar. The normalcy of the perfect suburbia was slightly unsettling sometimes. Everything was just so quiet. Hermione couldn’t bear it.

Even though Hermione was unbelievably tired, she just couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Sighing, she got out of bed and threw on a hoodie and light-wash mom jeans. Bit too muggle to be wearing out to classes, but perfectly comfortable for weekends.

Hermione used to always head to the Astronomy tower to clear her head. She hadn’t been up there since that one time she had found a drunk Draco swaying on his feet. But the fresh air had never failed to calm her nerves.

Hermione quietly snuck out of her room and made her way to the tower. McGonagall gave her special permission to access the tower even past curfew the previous year. Hermione didn’t know if the offer still stood, considering she missed half a year of education, but she supposed if she got caught it would be an understandable misunderstanding.

She had almost reached the top of the stairs when she heard a soft noise. Hermione gripped her wand a little tighter as she went to explore the sound. She almost dropped it when she saw the sight before her.

A nasty case of déja vu. There he was, sitting in all his glory, half passed out next to a bottle of whatever poison he was drinking tonight. Hermione hated that Draco fell back into his old habits. She feared they’d eventually kill him.

There was a battle in her head. Draco was obviously in a bad condition. She couldn’t possibly just leave him here.  _ If the roles were reversed, he’d leave you _ . Then why stoop to his level? She couldn’t exactly get Blaise or Theo either.  _ Maybe a teacher? _ No, he’d be so angry if she tattled on him.  _ After the way he’s been treating you, let him be angry _ . No, that was not who Hermione was. She had to help him. But how? She wouldn’t dare come anywhere near the Slytherin common rooms. Harry was right about it being more dangerous this year. 

The only option that was left, was to get Draco to sober up somehow. “Draco? It’s me Hermione.” She made her presence known.

“Go away.” He murmured.  _ He’s so ungrateful. Just leave him _ . And Hermione almost did. Her feet started to shift, but Draco spoke up again. “No, don’t. I didn’t mean that. Don’t leave. Please don’t ever leave me. Not again.”

Hermione felt tears prickle her eyes when he said that. He sounded like a child, a poor, lonely kid. His voice was so raw and there was such obvious pain in it. Hermione walked closer to him and sat down next to him, against the wall. The cold, night air wrapped itself around her. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. “What are you doing to yourself, Draco?” Hermione said softly.

“What are  _ you _ doing to  _ yourself _ ?” He countered.

“I got help. I’m doing better now. Every single day I have to try. Not that you care.” She spat, aiming to hurt him. Her feelings about him were so conflicted. Part of her wanted to latch onto him and never let go, and the other wanted to scream and hit him until he felt the same pain he put her through.

“I care.”

Hermione snorted. “I’ve been holding back tears while you're throwing back beers.  **(July - Noah Cyrus ;))** Do you know how much it hurts to see you like this?“

“Yes. It was like that for me last year.”

“Then why would you put me through this now?” Hermione could barely believe they were having a civil conversation without the use of any slurs right now. Guess she should thank the booze for that. Draco didn’t reply to this. “You didn’t break me, you know. I broke me. I believed in something that wasn’t real.”

“It’s real.” Draco said somberly.

“Then Draco, please for the love of god, please, explain this to me. What are we doing? Why-  _ How _ can you treat me so poorly if it’s real? Do you respect me at all?” Hermione pleaded, tears streaming down her face.

“I’m not good enough.”

“That’s such bullshit, Draco. Instead of always preaching to me how you’re not good enough for me,  _ become _ better! Nothing’s stopping  _ us _ , but you!”

“Everything’s stopping us!” Draco yelled out, raising his voice so much at Hermione that she physically flinched. Draco hated that she thought he’d actually harm her. “Hermione this isn’t a fairytale. We would never work. Stop thinking like a fucking child.”

Hermione felt so pathetic. She never begged. She had more self respect than that. Draco was changing her. “Then why did you snog me yesterday?! Or last year?!”

“Because I can’t fucking help it! It’s like I have no self control. Around you, I forget everything! I can’t afford-  _ we _ can’t afford to just forget our situations!”

“Why isn’t that a good thing? You’re always so worried that you drink yourself half to death! Why wouldn’t you want to forget everything?!”

“It’s too fucking dangerous!” Draco fiercely cupped Hermione’s face. They were so close that even through the darkness, Hermione could see the pained tears in his eyes. “I can’t lose you! I can’t fucking lose you!”

“Draco…” Hermione said softly, as she placed her hands on his. “You’re not going to lose me. Not again.”

For a moment Draco put all his worries aside. The fact that his life would very much be on the line if anyone ever found out about this, his mother's life too. Hell, even Hermione’s if Lucius ever got his hands on her. But what were the chances of that?

Draco kissed her.

It was right this time. She wasn’t crying this time. He hadn’t called her a mudblood prior. He hadn’t slammed her into a wall. It was perfect. They were perfect. Draco had barely even started kissing her before he felt her pull away. “You’re drunk-”

“Only off you.” He leaned back in. But Hermione’s firm hand on his shoulders stopped him.

“We can’t go back. Tomorrow, you can’t say this was all a mistake. You just can’t.”

“I won’t.” Draco promised before wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to him. She was finally his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! My god I've been waiting to post this moment for foreverrrr. Btw, there's not going to be any smut/lemon in this fic. Obviously, Hermione and Draco are hormonal teenagers and they will have sex, but I'm way too awkward to actually write it, so I'll just leave that up to your imagination haha  
> Thanks for readingg <33
> 
> ps, I'm really curious, are any of you on draco tiktok? Have you seen Tom Felton's reactions?


	5. Rules

It would stay a secret. Both Draco and Hermione decided that would be best. Draco told her tensions were high in the wizarding world. If his father ever found out he was publicly communing with her in a civil manner, he’d skin him alive. It was more than enough reason for Hermione to guard this secret with her life. He didn’t even have to tell her about the fact that he was high on Voldemort's radar now and that he’d not only have to face his father’s wrath but also everyone who was a part of their circle. 

He didn’t mention that his mother's life was on the line. Draco was immensely conflicted. His mother was the first woman he had ever loved, and had loved him back. In a world so lonely, she made him feel safe. Ever since he was a little boy. 

He didn’t know what exactly he felt for Hermione. It was so much and so complicated, there weren’t enough words in the English language to express his feelings towards her. It wasn’t like the familial love he had for his mother, but the emotion was just as strong. Did he love Hermione? How would that even be possible? He had hated her just a year ago, and now somehow she was competing with his mother.

Draco couldn’t help but feel he was betraying Narcissa, the only family he’d known. It was selfish. He was risking both his mother's life, as well as Hermione’s life by giving into his desire. He was just so  _ weak _ . Neither even knew what danger they were being put in. If Draco failed his mission, it sealed his mother’s death sentence. If Voldemort found out about him and Hermione, he’d think she was the distraction that was keeping him from fulfilling his mission. She’d have a bigger bounty on her head than she already had.

He should’ve said no. He should never have kissed her during patrol. He shouldn’t have done it in the first place last year. He knew what was coming in the summer. He had been untruthful and selfish from the get go. 

He wanted Hermione to be happy. He’d obviously been killing her happiness by acting so cruel. But he’d rather have her alive and miserable than dead. Besides, her misery wouldn’t last long. Eventually, she could settle down with someone who deserved her. She’d start a family and be happy. Merlin, how he wished he could be the one to make her happy, but a white picket fence future would never be for him.

Part of Draco wants Hermione to realize he was not what she wanted. That she still loves the Weasel. He wants (he needs) her to leave him, because he knows he’s not strong enough to set the first move. 

He couldn’t tell her of the danger she was in. Not without betraying his mother. Hermione would definitely want to tell Potter or Dumbledore. She wouldn’t understand the gravity of the situation. Sure, she was the smartest witch of their age, but she didn’t understand the Pureblood rules. She never would.

The longer he held onto the truth, the worse the situation would get. It only gave Hermione more time to fall deeper for him. Eventually she’d be too blind to see the problems. Too Gryffindor for her own good. She’d risk her life for him. That’s just who she was.

But Draco was weak. Now that he had her, he couldn’t let her go.

Then there was the matter of Astoria. She was a lovely girl, stuck in a cruel world. Draco respected the way she could always see the light in every situation. It was a rare power. He hoped no one would ever dim that light of hers. She deserved more, but she would settle for whatever hand she got dealt. She was trying so hard to love Draco. Maybe one day she could, but that was unfair. Even if Hermione one day up and left him, he would forever be hers. There’s no way he could ever feel for Astoria (or anyone else for that matter) what he felt for Hermione. Astoria was under the impression he wanted to try to love her too. They would try together. Draco didn’t want to crush that hoep, but it would hurt her more if he didn’t. He just needed to figure out how to get out of the arrangement, without putting her at risk.

Lastly, there was Blaise and Theo. Theo had a semblance of a choice. From the get go, the Notts were less involved with Voldemort than the Malfoys. The Dark Lord valued education, so until he was finished with Hogwarts, Theo had a choice not to be involved with the Dark business, but he couldn’t let his best mate go through this alone. Though he didn’t get the mark, he volunteered for a few missions and to be Draco’s right hand man in the task. After this, there was no going back for him. The date for Theo’s initiation had been set. He had followed Draco into the cause, sacrificing his own innocence and free will. He could no longer stand on the sidelines. He could no longer choose his friends, half-bloods or muggleborns. 

Blaise was put on the Dark Lord's radar due to his close connection with Draco and Theo. The Notts, Malfoys, and ms. Zabini had often frequented each other because of the boys’ friendship. Though Clarisse Zabini was not brought up in the English wizarding society, where pureblood supremacy was shoved into your face (being an Italian immigrant), she wasn’t exactly innocent on the moral spectrum. The sorting hat had almost put her into Slytherin, but placed her in Ravenclaw instead. She calculated every single decision she made. Being out of the extremist loop finally gave her an advantage. As a child, she never fit in with the other Purebloods, but now it was coming in handy. No one expected her or Blaise to take the dark mark or go on missions. She could keep her hands clean and keep Blaise safe by funding various operations. This did however mean Blaise had to act a certain way. Cornform a tad more to the ‘pureblood values’. No befriending muggleborns. Clarisse had really liked Hermione the one time she met her, but her son came first.

Draco and his closest friends, his chosen family, were all involved in the wrong side of the war. He already blamed himself for dragging Theo into this. As much as he wanted to, he could never leave Theo to the wolves who called themselves Death Eaters. Not when he brought him in in the first place. He couldn’t leave Blaise either. But maybe he would be forced to. If anyone ever found out about him and Hermione, he’d be killed and his friends’ allegiance to the Dark side would be questioned. Maybe they’d even be tortured for his mistakes. His mother would for sure be killed.

Telling Blaise and Theo would only put them at risk. If anyone discovered they’d known about his secrets, they’d be dead men walking. Draco hated all his secrets. There was no one he could tell  _ all _ his problems without dire consequences. There was only one person he wanted to tell though. He knew if anyone could find a way out of this mess, it would be Hermione. She’d make it all sound okay and manageable. She’d calm his thoughts and run her fingers through his hair while he vented to her. She would make it okay. But only for a moment. Draco knew there was no way out; not without bloodspill.

_ “Don’t call me mudblood anymore.” _

Hermione had insisted they make ground rules on the insults. Even if she knew Draco was just acting, and even though she had a thick skin and an elastic heart  **(Sia - elastic heart)** , she couldn’t bear to hear the M-word anymore. Especially not coming out of Draco’s mouth.

_ “No lies. There are certain things we can’t discuss together, but we will not tell lies about them. It’s either the truth, or nothing at all.” _

They had promised each other not to pester the other into revealing anything important. Hermione had made this rule with Harry in mind. There were certain things she couldn’t just share with Draco. It’s not that she didn’t trust him; she believed that Draco would keep her secrets to himself, but the things she couldn’t discuss with him weren’t  _ her _ secrets. She had no right to tell him.

Draco silently thanked Merlin that Hermione had made this rule. She had no idea how deeply involved with the cause he was, and it would stay that way. She wouldn’t have to tell him anything, and he in turn, wouldn’t have to tell her. Even though you’d expect him to be hurt for the ‘lack of trust’, he was thankful she decided to keep business and pleasure separate. This way if anyone ever successfully broke his mind barriers, there wouldn’t be anything to find.

_ “Hermione, we’re on the brink of a war. We’re both on opposite sides, and you know how involved my family-” Draco had tried to warn her about the additional danger she was putting herself in by being with him, without revealing his Death Eater status. _

_ “No war talk.” Hermione quickly interrupted. Draco moved to open his mouth again but she fiercely shut him down with one look. “This isn't up for discussion. No war talk.” at least not until we’re in the middle of it, she had thought. _

Unbeknownst to Draco, Hermione was relying on the thought that with time, he would change sides. Maybe he’d fall in love with her, or she could finally convince him to leave his tainted past. She understood that currently, he was in fact standing by Voldemort's side. But it wasn’t because he was  _ evil _ . No, Draco was far from evil. He was just a product of his environment. As a kid, you don’t know where you stand in the world. You rely on your parents to show you. Unfortunately, Draco’s parents showed him the wrong side. 

Draco didn’t believe in the whole Pureblood supremacy bullshit. The fact they were even making rules was proof enough. He was scared and lost. But she would show him the way. Eventually they’d be on the same side, standing hand in hand.

Truthfully, Draco had no idea what he was going to do. Obviously, he knew that he was on the ‘bad’ side. Voldemort was pure evil, no doubt about it. But Draco believed  _ he _ was evil too. This was where he belonged. Just look at his father. No spawn of Lucius Malfoy could possibly be good. What a joke it’d be, Draco fighting alongside Harry  _ fucking _ Potter, the boy he had bullied for years. Hilarious.

But if Draco fixed the cabinet and managed to kill Dumbledore, he could be rewarded. Perhaps the Dark Lord would be so impressed he’d grant him his one wish. The only thing he wanted. Hermione. After Potter was defeated, Hermione could be brought to him, unharmed, and they’d live together. She’d be the only muggleborn to be granted an education and a job. Draco knew there was no way she’d be a stay at home, trophy wife. She could live out all her life’s ambitions safely, under his protection. 

It was a twisted thought, but it was motivation. Motivation and hope. Hope for them.

_ “I can switch patrols so we can do it together. We’ll have about 2 hours to ourselves.” _

_ “Sounds good.” _

_ “And on Hogsmeade weekends we can sneak away from our friends and meet up.” _

_ “We can go to the Come-and-go room on some nights.” _

_ “The come-and-go room?” Hermione lifted her head slightly off of Draco’s lap to look up at him with a questioning face. _

_ “It’s a room that appears and disappears on the-” _

_ “-Seventh floor? It’s called the Room of Requirement, silly.” _

_ “Well, I’m sorry missus Know-it-all.” Draco teased and gently pulled on her hair so she would nestle her head back into his lap, and he could continue playing with her hair. _

Hermione brainstormed a whole plan on how they could meet in secret. Draco loved watching her think. The way her face lit up when another idea popped in her head. He could tell she was enjoying planning their newfound relationship. Relationship? Was that what this was? Did it even count as a relationship if they were a secret? Was Hermione his girlfriend now?

_ “What would we do?” Hermione asked in a small, almost childlike voice after a long silence in which Draco played with her hair while she lay with her eyes closed in his lap. _

_ “Hm?” _

_ “In the-” Hermione subtly shifted her head slightly so she didn’t have to make eye contact with Draco. “Room of requirement.” _

_ “Whatever you want.” Draco answered carefully. He understood what Hermione was hinting at, but also saw the rosy embarrassment on her cheeks. It was adorable. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable with his answer, even though he had a few thoughts on his mind about what he would want to do with her. _

_ “I don’t know what I want.” Hermione answered truthfully in an even softer tone. She nervously played with her fingers. _

_ “Do you know what you don’t want?” _

_ “To be just another notch on your belt.” After hearing this Draco sobered up from the light atmosphere they’d created. He pulled Hermione up in a sitting position and cupped her face, stroking his thumb against her cheek. _

_ “Look at me.” Hermione’s eyes didn’t budge from her hands. “Hermione, look at me.” She finally looked up at his stormy, grey eyes. “Hermione Jean Granger, you will never be just a notch on my belt. You mean something, okay? You mean a lot actually. I have so much respect for you and I- I really like you, okay? That’s not going to change. Whatever you want, or don’t want, I’m down. It’s all in your hands. You have me wrapped around your finger. You have finally, successfully made Draco Lucius Malfoy your bitch. I’m your bitch.” _

_ Draco had ended it on a lighthearted note. Hermione erupted into giggles.  _

Last year, Hermione had joked that Draco and Harry were her bitches. It was absurd at the time. A little lazy banter. But now she had successfully achieved the seemingly unattainable: full control over Draco. Not only was Hermione now his, but he was now hers. Draco wouldn’t have it any other way.

The rest of the night they spent catching up. Hermione explained everything that happened in the summer. Draco listened patiently and tried his best to understand her state of mind last year. He felt bad about being so horrible to her. Hermione sensed his guilt and tried to distract him from it, by telling him about her fight with Harry. Draco’s guilt easily turned into anger. All he wanted was to protect her. He wanted to kill whoever hurt her. She was so precious. So innocent. Too soft to hurt. If he didn’t hate Potter already, he sure did now.

Hermione hadn’t asked him about his summer. He knew she wanted to, but he also knew she was smart enough to conclude there was no summer trip to France. No war talk. No lies. Hermione didn’t want to open up that can of worms so soon.

_ “We should get going soon. It’s almost dawn.” Draco mumbled into Hermione’s hair, not wanting to let go of the cinnamon scent in her hair. _

_ “I don’t want to leave.” Hermione said softly. _

_ “Me neither.” Draco wrapped his arms tighter around her. “You should get some sleep.” _

_ “You should too. You always look so tired.” Because he was. Draco was always so tired, unless he was with Hermione. Hermione made him feel energetic, alive. She sparked something in him he hadn’t felt in so long it almost felt foreign. _

_ Draco didn’t reply to this. _

_ Eventually they both got up off the ground and Draco walked Hermione to the Gryffindor dorms. Before she entered they had stood outside for a few moments in silence. Hermione traced patterns into Draco’s hand and he watched. There was so much tender affection in the act. _

_ With his other hand Draco tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and continued tracing his finger over Hermione’s facial features. Her ear, her jaw, her lips. His hand traveled down her neck and her collar bone, where there was a trail of love bites he had left. He smiled at the sight. *He* had made those. He’d marked her. And he could. _

_ “When will I see you again?” At 4 AM, no one was awake. Not even the teachers. But some did like to wake up as early as 5 so they couldn’t be too careful. _

_ “Tonight?” Draco offered, wanting to see her again as soon as possible. He never wanted to stop looking at her ever again. _

_ “Same place?” _

_ “Let’s go somewhere a bit more private. Come-and-go room?” _

_ “Sure. I’ll see you at midnight, okay?” _

_ “Okay.” Hermione turned to leave, placing one last kiss on Draco’s cheek. “Oh, and Granger? You might want to cover up that purple neck of yours.” A blush tinted Hermione’s cheeks as her hand subconsciously shot up to her neck. She rolled her eyes at Draco’s smirk before closing the portrait behind her _ .

No. No he couldn’t let her go. Not now that he’s gotten a taste. There was no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I took so long posting this chapter tbh I thought I already posted chapter 5 lmao.   
> Draco's going a bit bonkers, and Hermione's a bit too hopeful, but they're so adorable omg.  
> What did you think? Thanks for readin <3333


	6. Need

“Hermione, please-” Harry was waiting for her to come down all morning. Usually, she was up at the dawn of light. Even on weekends. Harry had set an alarm for very early in the morning and rushed his routine. He skipped shaving again. A small stubble was showing.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Hermione brushed past him. After her late night rendez-vous with Draco, she only fell asleep at almost 5 AM. She decided to sleep in today. After all, it was a Saturday. Still, she had just a few hours of sleep, but at least she was energetic. She woke up happy. Genuinely happy. Not just ‘okay’ or ‘fine’, happy. She couldn’t wait to see Draco tonight. She had completely forgotten everything else. Until she saw Harry waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hermione, let me explain-” Harry grabbed her wrist.

“There’s nothing to explain, Harry. There is no excuse for-” Hermione angrily pulled her wrist back, as she snapped her head to face him.

“I know, I know. I wasn’t thinking straight. Please understand, I’m under a lot of stress-”

“We  _ all _ are, but you don’t see Ron dicking off. Or me. Or-”

“Hermione, it’s  _ him _ again.” And with those pleading words, Hermione’s whole demeanor changed. Her facial features softened and her body relaxed from its angry stiffness, instead settling into a wary tenseness. 

With a loud sigh, she decided to push this matter out of her head. “Come on.” She gestured with her head to follow her. She led them outside through all the students and through Hogwarts. Eventually they got to the Quidditch pitch where the stands were all empty. In silence, they climbed up the steps and sat in the middle of one stand. “Nightmares again?”

“It’s like he’s talking to me sometimes.” Harry rubbed his hands together, trying to create some warmth. Hermione noticed this and cast a warming charm. It was a small gesture to show him he cared. She motioned for him to continue. “There’s always nightmares. I don’t know what I’m seeing exactly, but I see gatherings. There’s a lot of green. I’ve seen a few of his followers” unbeknownst to Hermione, Harry was being very careful about his wording. He didn’t want to tell her any of this in the first place. She didn’t need anything more on her mind; she had her plate full as it is. “It’s not safe.”

“That’s why you were being like that. Do you think Malfoy’s involved?” Hermione felt her breath shortening and heartbeat quickening. Her brows were furrowed in worry. She dreaded the words she was expecting to come out of Harry’s mouth. There’s no way. There was no way Draco could  _ actually _ be involved. Not so soon anyway. He was a child. It would take someone immensely stupid to involve a child in war business. Voldemort was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. 

Harry looked at Hermione tentatively. He took a moment to observe her facial features, taking in her obvious emotions, before answering. “No. No, I don’t think Malfoy is involved.” He told her what she needed to hear. She couldn’t take any of his suspicions. She was too fragile. Besides, he didn’t know anything for sure. He didn’t even know what he didn’t know for sure. No point in bothering her with empty thoughts. “But we both know his father is.”

“He’s not his father.” Hermione muttered softly. She didn’t want to come off as too defensive, but couldn’t just say nothing.

“Better safe than sorry. You’ve seen how he’s been this year.” Harry carefully spoke while assessing Hermione’s reactions to his words. “Aren’t you the one always telling me and Ron not to go looking for trouble? To stay out of shit unless we get dragged in? You’re not a hypocrite now, are you?”

Hermione caught onto his subtle manipulation, calling her righteousness into question. Yes, she saw right through his methods and didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d gotten to her, especially since they hadn’t really resolved their previous fight. Hermione was always expected to be the bigger person, not to give into any pettiness, but she was tired of adhering to the expectations set for her. It’s what got her into the whole mess last year. There was still a sour taste in her mouth about Harry’s words, but she understood he was under a lot of pressure. One last time, she’d forget about it. Only because the fate of the whole wizarding world was on the line. “No, I’m not.”

Now was she actually going to stop seeing Draco? Hell no. She had finally given into what she had wanted for so long. No way she was losing him again. But Harry didn’t need to know that. He was already relishing in the satisfaction of his ‘win’.

Harry and Hermione walked to breakfast together. There was still an obvious awkwardness between the two. Hermione was still showing Harry a bit of a cold shoulder, despite her efforts to conceal it. Harry seemed to catch on and was tiptoeing around her. He knew she’d get over it in a couple hours. He just needed to get her into a good, lighthearted conversation about something she was passionate about. 

When the pair entered the Great Hall side by side, Draco’s eyes immediately darted at the two of them. Analyzing Hermione’s soft features, while trying to wandlessly blow a hole into Potter’s head. They seemed rather chummy together. Had she forgiven him so easily, so soon? She was too forgiving by nature. It opened people up to use her, to manipulate her. Even if those people were her good-for-nothing friends.

Hermione was wearing a high turtle neck, in an effort to conceal her hickeys. Draco tried his best to conceal his grin. He was sure he wouldn’t hear the end of his ‘carelessness’ tonight. Hermione would go on a whole tirade about it being stupid and wreckless, and Draco would nod his head thoughtfully, completely agreeing with everything she said, and then proceed to do it all over again anyways. 

  
  


“See you two’ve made up.” Ron commented cheerfully when he saw Harry and Hermione.

“No thanks to this dolt. A shitty apology that was. Lucky for you, after 5 years of putting up with this crap, my expectations aren’t high.” Hermione said it in a teasing manner, but there was some truth behind it. Everyone knew it, but the boys laughed it off anyways.

Across the room, Draco’s eyes finally connected with Hermione’s. The girl suppressed a blush and looked away, quickly striking up another conversation with her boys. 

“What the hell was that?” Blaise demanded, the small act didn’t slip him by.

“What?” Draco asked cluelessly.

“Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you. Hermione just caught you staring at her.”

“I wasn’t staring at her.”

“Bullshit, Draco. It’s obvious enough that I noticed. Someone else might too, and I doubt they’ll be as kind as I am. Might even send your father a letter. Do you want that, hm? You won’t be the only one at the other end of a Crucio then. Hermione will too. Stop being a selfish dick and keep your eyes on your fucking plate.” Blaise angrily reminded him. 

Draco didn’t reply but he visibly clenched his jaw and fists.  _ Don’t wear your emotions. _ He had to keep reminding himself not to. Malfoy’s don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Cold, you have to be cold. Don’t let anybody read you, not even those you hold close.

Draco softened his exterior, even though he was fuming inside. He was so angry. Everything was just so unfair. Just staring at her was dangerous. He couldn’t imagine the reactions if anyone ever found out what they were actually doing.

On the other hand, they weren’t actually  _ doing _ anything. They snogged twice, but twice doesn’t constitute a pattern. What was the expression? Once an accident, twice a coincidence, three times a pattern? If he stopped it now, they wouldn’t have done anything that bad, right? He wasn’t in too deep yet. He could still stop it. Keep her safe. She wouldn’t understand, but that didn’t matter. Rather an angry Hermione, than a dead one.

Draco knew that was the right thing to do. A better man would’ve stopped it; broken it off before it even started. He would’ve ditched Hermione at the RoR tonight. He would never speak to her, or look at her, ever again.

Draco wanted to be a better man. A better man for  _ her _ . But he wasn’t.

With that thought he angrily got up and stormed out of the Great Hall. Hermione’s worried eyes followed him out the door. She knew she couldn’t go after him. She’d ask him tonight. Her heart skipped a beat. Tonight. What if he had changed his mind about them? No, he promised her he wouldn’t. How could he just change his mind in a couple of hours?

Hermione obsessed about this for the rest of the day. Even though she was physically present, she was absent from her friends’ conversations. The boys brushed it off as her still being a bit angry with Harry, rightfully so, so they didn’t comment about it.

  
  


“Earth to Hermione?” Ron waved a hand in front of Hermione’s face, snapping her out of her thoughts. The day passed her by, it was evening already, but somehow it felt dreadfully long too.

“Hm, yeah? Sorry.”

“I asked if you wanted to head over to the Hufflepuffs? They’re having a small get together.”

“We’ve got school tomorrow. I think I’m going to turn in early.” Hermione replied, faking a yawn. “You go ahead without me.”

“Typical Hermione.” Ron teased. Hermione didn’t appreciate the constant teasing about her not participating in the anarchy of Hogwarts students. It wasn’t even true. But even when she was breaking the rules, she did it in smarter ways than her friends. The trick was not getting caught. An easy feat when you knew what you were doing. And when you weren’t as obvious as the nose on your face. “You then, Harry. Let’s go with me. Heard Abott was single.”

“I don’t think so, mate.” Harry declined. That was strange. Harry was always up for a good party.

“Come one, It’d be good for you; get your mind off of things.” Ron urged him with a shove to his shoulder. He made a good point. Harry could use a good distraction.

“Yeah, you should go, Harry.” Hermione spoke up.

“See, even Hermione thinks you should go.”

Harry didn’t want to get into another argument with Hermione, all the wounds he caused still being fresh. Even though this was just a small matter, maybe it was just the tree branch they needed. “Ok, sure. But not too late.”

“My man!” Ron jumped up like a giddy child and clapped Harry’s shoulder. Sometimes Hermione envied Ron’s childlike spark. He was painfully aware of the current climate of their world, but he didn’t let that stop him from taking everything life had to offer him. He knew it wouldn’t be long before everything changed, but for now, he’d live his life the way he wanted to, instead of constantly worrying about things that were out of his hands anyways.

After the two boys grabbed Harry’s cloak and bode Hermione goodbye, the girl jumped off the couch and snuck into their shared room. Luckily for her, Neville and Seamus were still out and about somewhere so she could snoop uninterrupted.

Hermione didn’t find the map in its usual place, under a pile of Harry’s (probably dirty) clothes. She found it under his pillow. Strange. He usually only uses it to get around Filch and that bloody cat of his when he snuck out to some party. Harry wasn’t some party hungry delinquent; he only went out a couple times a semester. There was no reason to keep his map so in the open, where anyone could accidentally see it stick out of his pillowcase. It was reckless on his part. 

Hermione decided to mention the map later to subliminally influence Harry into being more careful, but for now, she’d use it for herself. After sneaking out of the Boys’ dorms into her own, she quickly got ready for ‘bed’. She didn’t want Ginny to get suspicious, so she slipped into a flattering nightgown and pulled on an oversized, knitted sweater over it. It looked as if she was wearing everyday pajamas, but Hermione felt a lot more confident in this outfit. The dress hugged her curves just right, and the sweater gave for some comfort.

After Ginny finally turned in for the night, Hermione watched the muggle clock on her nightstand. She was practically counting down the seconds before she had to leave for the Room of Requirement. Her head was buzzed with nervousness and excitement. She wondered what Draco was thinking right now. Was he just as hyped as her, or was he dreading the moments leading up to tonight? Was he sober? Hermione wished he was.

Eventually it was time for Hermione to sneak out. Carefully, she placed her pillows in such a manner that Ginny could easily mistake them as Hermione if she were to wake up. The Gryffindor snuck down the stairs and corridors, map in hand. She was able to dodge a few professors before reaching the RoR.

Draco wasn’t there yet. They were supposed to meet outside so they could enter together, no way he was already inside. Hermione felt the minutes pass her by. She started to shiver due to the cold, night air around her. The girl began to worry. What if something had happened? Maybe he was in trouble?

Soon Hermione’s worry started to transform into anger. She was better than this. Hogwarts was one of the safest places Hermione knew. There was no way something had happened to Draco. He just flaked on her. Typical. Hermione was disappointed, not surprised. She was however, shocked at her naivety. Sure, she didn’t have a long list of men on her notch, and she only had one real relationship, but she was familiar enough with the topic of boys. This wasn’t exactly new territory. Especially knowing Draco’s unreliable history, how could Hermione have not expected this?

Angry tears pricked her waterline, but she wouldn’t dare waste any more tears on that boy. He had broken every promise he’d ever made to her. From stopping drinking, to not hurting her. Hermione was officially done with giving into his bullshit. How pathetic.

Hermione started stomping away from the RoR, before running straight into Draco’s arms. He showed up. Just almost half an hour too late. Even though a small wave of relief washed over Hermione to see that he did in fact come, it didn’t erase her previous conclusion. Draco wasn’t worth the trouble. Especially if history would keep repeating itself. 

While Draco was getting lost in Hermione’s eyes, she abruptly broke contact when she shrugged her arms out of his grip, attempting to brush past him. He saw the hurt and tears in her eyes, though they had yet to drop down her face.

Part of him wanted her to leave. There was no real reason Draco was late. He had spent the whole day debating if he should or should not see Hermione tonight. He left 15 minutes later than he was supposed to, subconsciously hoping it would be the final straw for Hermione. He wasn’t strong enough to end it (even though it had barely begun), but he hoped she would.

But the moment he crashed into her, his hopes all washed away. He didn’t want her to end this. He didn’t want to let her go. Even if it was for her own good. Hermione was a selfish, but primal need.  _ Need _ . Draco needed her. 

“Hermione, please! Wait! I didn’t mean to-”

“I’m done, Draco.” Hermione said. She hadn’t meant it. She knew they were too complicated to end just like that, but she needed to hash it out with him, and she needed him to understand that he had to work for her. She wasn’t some prized slave.

“I’m sorry, Hermione please.” Draco pleaded with her as he grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him, careful not to hurt her. “Please listen. Please don’t leave.”

“Draco, I don’t do this. I’m not the kind of girl who waits around for someone who clearly doesn’t want her, or even respects her. I’ve got better things to do than think about whether or not you want this today, or if you’ll change your mind tomorrow.” Hermione continued to walk away, but Draco didn’t let up on his grip around her wrists, making it difficult to walk away. She was practically dragging him with her, further and further away from the RoR.

“I know, I know. I promise it won’t happen again.” Draco pulled Hermione against the wall, trapping her in his arms. She shot him an annoyed glance, but finally gave up on getting away from him.

“Now where have I heard that before?” Hermione spat sarcastically.

“Hermione, please. Please, believe me. I wouldn’t fuck this up. Not so soon or purposefully anyway.” Draco muttered, to which Hermione scoffed, pulling him back to the subject at matter. “A few Slytherins caught me sneaking out and asked me to hang around for a little while. I couldn’t exactly just say no without a reason. I had to, Hermione. Trust me, I had to.”

Hermione wanted to continue the fight. She wanted to scream at every little thing about him that irked her. But her obsessive want disappeared when she finally looked into Draco’s eyes. They were practically leaking tears. How didn’t she notice before? A terrible guilt settled into her, as she brought her hand to his face, softly wiping the tears away. “It’s okay, Draco. It’s okay, I forgive you. Let’s go inside.”

Hermione dragged him into the room. Inside, it looked like the cottage Hermione once stayed in, on vacation in France. She had gone skiing with her family and they rented a few small cabins. One for her parents to share, and one for Hermione. The cabin only consisted of one room. It was cozy and warm. A fireplace lit the room. Across it was a couch next to a small coffee table. There was a little kitchenette on the side and a big bed in the middle of the room. There was a door leading to a shower at the end of the room. The rest of the room was filled up by small decorations, book shelves and a few drawers.

“Go sit down. I’ll make us some tea.” Hermione softly told him.

Draco hesitated between the couch and bed. He wanted nothing more than to just crawl in bed, but didn’t want Hermione to think he wanted it for the wrong reasons. He feared he would pressure her into something she wasn’t ready for. Hell, he wasn’t sure if she was even ready for this relationship, but he sure as hell didn’t want to accidentally make her think he needed sex from her to be happy as they were. Her presence was enough for him.

Draco sat down on the right end of the couch, leaving more than enough room for Hermione to sit. He didn’t know how close to him she would want to be, reckoning she was probably still angry at him.

His eyes scanned the bookshelves. There were many books, none of which he recognized. Most likely all muggle. The titles all seemed strange to Draco.  _ Of mice and men _ ?  _ To kill a mockingbird? _ Didn’t seem educational. Wizards didn’t have a lot of books targeted at older people that weren’t related to studies. In a world of magic, it was hard to come up with anything that didn’t already exist. Especially realistic enough for young adults to enjoy.

“I don’t just like reading for school, you know. I used to want to be a writer.” Hermione said, placing two cups of tea on the table in front of the couch. “I was going to open up a little book store in France and publish my own stories, along with those of other small writers.”

“Do you still want to?”

“Fuck no.” Draco almost choked on his tea when those crude words came out of Hermione’s mouth. She usually only cursed when she was angry, or very passionate. “After being introduced to  _ this _ world? I’d do much more good in the ministry, than in some dusty old bookstore in a town no one’s heard of.”

“You seem awfully adamant about that.” Draco chuckled.

“Well, after experiencing all the horrible things the wizarding world has to offer first hand, it’d be selfish not to fix them. This world could be so much more infatuating without all the corruption, discrimination, opression… well, you get the gist.”

“I’m sorry.” Draco blurted out. “My family, we have definitely played a-”

Hermione knew what Draco was about to say, and she’d heard it a thousand times before. He wasn’t the one doing all those horrible things, but he sure took on the guilt for them. Hermione pressed her lips onto his, stopping him from going on another apologetic rant. Draco didn’t hesitate before reacting, opening his mouth slightly while pressing on Hermione’s lips hard, taking back control. For once, Hermione decided to tease him by biting his lip during the kiss, giving herself the power between the two.

The pair continued to wrestle like that for a while, trying to dominate each other. Unbeknownst to them, their lips were starting to bruise and swell. Hermione’s hands were lost in Draco’s platinum locks, while his were roaming her body, careful not to be too daring. Draco was afraid of pushing too much; he couldn’t bear to see Hermione leave again.

If only his friends could see him now. Hermione had him pathetically whipped already. Draco wasn’t exactly known for his prudey attitude, but for Hermione he’d stay celibate for the rest of his life. It wasn’t about his own, carnal pleasure anymore. It was about Hermione now. About what  _ she _ wanted and didn’t want; about  _ her _ pleasure and desires.

“Draco,” Hermione said out of breath, breaking their kiss and pushing against his chest. Draco quickly darted up in a sitting position. Had he gone too far? What was wrong? Fuck. fuck. Fuck. fuck. He had fucked it up already, and he didn’t even know why. 

“Are you- Why are- You’re not- Draco…” Hermione was fumbling over her words, not sure how to phrase what she was trying to say. “Is everything okay?”

“With me? Of course everything’s okay. Is it not okay for you? Did I go too far? I’m sorry-”

“No, Draco. It’s just, well,” Hermione paused again and bit her nail. “I’ve heard the rumors and I think it’s safe to assume there’s some truth to them. So, why are you, well, I don’t know… are you just not into this? Am I doing something wrong?”

“What?” Draco was taken aback by the absurdity of the question. “Hermione, you’re bloody perfect.”

“Then why…” Hermione was blushing red with embarrassment. “Merlin, you’ve barely touched me. Your hands haven’t left my waist and- well- you haven’t even given me one hickey, for fucks sake.” Hermione’s frustration was made abundantly clear by the tone in her voice.

“I didn’t want to pressure you into anything, Hermione. Believe me there are a plethora of things I want to do to and with you, but I don’t want to push you away.”

Hermione couldn’t help but grin so hard her cheeks hurt. Draco’s explanation was the most adorable thing she’d ever heard. It was so nice and caring, and honestly quite out of character. She felt so lucky to have experienced this side of him. She was even happier that this was  _ her _ side of him. He wasn’t like this with anybody else. 

“Draco, while I appreciate that, I really do, I’m a big girl. If anything’s not okay I’ll tell you. You know how much I love to nag.” She joked.

“I don’t want you to regret anything after the fact, either. You might think you want something now because I’m accidentally pressuring you, but you could regret it later.”

“Draco, give me some credit here. I’m not that easily manipulated. Besides, I’m smart enough to know my own limits.”

“But this isn’t exactly something you read about. You have to learn it from experience…” Draco didn’t know exactly how to word it right. By the look on her face, he had thought he’d somehow offended Hermione. Imagine his surprise when she burst out in giggles.

“Draco, do you think I’m a virgin?”

“You’re not?!” Draco exclaimed.

“Well don’t be too surprised. I know it may be hard to believe, but there  _ are _ men out there who want to shag me.” Hermione mocked offense, but knew Draco didn’t mean it in a mean way. Usually people assumed she was a prudish school girl who only had eyes for books. Well when they weren’t slutshaming her about being on the other end of a crude, sexist joke. People just couldn’t make up their minds about if she was a nun or a whore.

“Well, duh, I know that. I’m one of them.” Draco ‘joked’ slyly, making Hermione blush. “I just didn’t think-” Draco paused for a moment to think before he said something that would actually offend Hermione. “I thought you were kidding about Krum last year.”

“Are you angry?” Hermione piqued softly, suddenly looking very withdrawn.

“No, not at all. Godric, as if  _ I _ have a right to be angry.” Draco muttered quickly. “Jealous? Yes. Angry? No. Not at you anyways.”

Hermione’s eyes looked back up to Draco. A small smile was playing on her lips. God, he was so different from every boy she’d ever liked. Ron was beyond furious with her when she first started dating Krum, as if it was her fault he didn’t have the guts to tell her he liked her. 

Viktor didn’t understand a lot of her Western values. It wasn’t exactly his fault. England was a whole different culture than Bulgaria, and he always tried to understand. It was sweet. He’d never start fights with her about their differences, and if they couldn’t find a common ground, they’d just agree to disagree. And that was fine, until they reached subjects like what Hermione could or could not wear out, or if platonic friendships with the other sex were actually platonic. He’d never  _ make _ her change clothes, or force her to cut ties with her male friends (Hermione would not tolerate it if he did), but he sure was opinionated about her choices to do otherwise.

Both Ron and Viktor would have similar reactions in this situation, neither positive. Draco was being understandable and non offensive. Ironic, considering what you’d expect from a pureblood Slytherin.

“Viktor would’ve been. So would Ron.”

“Then I must say you have a terrible type, Granger.” Draco chuckled.

“I won’t deny that, but don’t act all high and mighty. As if your type is much better.” Hermione retorted.

“I don’t have a type.”

“Oh, right, I forgot you just like anything that can walk.”

“You’re the only one I’ve ever liked.”

“Cut the sappy crap.” Hermione playfully smacked Draco’s arm, but then she realized he was being serious. “Wait really?! You’ve never been in a relationship with someone you’ve liked?”

“I’ve never been in a relationship period. Until now.”

“Is that what we are? In a relationship?”

“Well, I sure hope so. Do you go around snogging all your guy friends in secret rooms then?” Draco joked.

“Just you.” Hermione leaned up to kiss Draco.

“Good.” He said before starting to kiss Hermione again.

This time it was a lot more passionate. It felt better for Draco because he didn’t have to worry about every little thing anymore. Hermione had convinced him she’d stop him when she reached her limit.

Everything was amazing before, in the middle of their snog session, Draco accidentally let out a yawn. His hands shot up to his face the moment he realized. He was just about to apologize, but Hermione beat him to it.

“It’s okay. You’ve been looking a little tired lately. Have you been getting enough sleep?” Hermione asked, voice filled with tender worry. Draco shrugged in response. “Go on, get in bed.”

“But we were-”

“Draco, I could fit all my books in the bags under your eyes. Go to sleep.”

Draco hesitated before replying. “Will you read to me while I fall asleep?”

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah I'm so stressed out. It's almost 8 pm and I haven't started learning for my exam tomorrow. Bu yk Draco is a good distraction :))
> 
> SO what did you guys think of this chapter? The first wholesome relationship fluff I'm so excited about it!!  
> thanks for reading yalll  
> <3333


	7. I don't know you pt. 1

Hermione enveloped Draco’s finger into hers and brought his hand up to her lips, placing a small kiss on his knuckles. Draco pulled her under his arm, not letting go of her hand, and wrapped his other arm around her waist. He placed a gentle kiss on her head as he rubbed his thumb along the backside of her hand. “I’m so lucky.” He whispered into her hair.

“Well I bet most girls at Hogwarts would say I’m the lucky one.” Hermione retorted, in a soft voice. Draco and her had been ‘dating’ for a few weeks now. They spent most of their time in the Room of Requirement, usually at night. Draco started looking better and better. It seemed Hermione was good for his health. He finally started sleeping again, but only in her arms. He stopped drinking on the nights they were supposed to meet. He started thinking clearer, making a lot of progress with the vanishing cabinet.

“Jealous, are we?”

“Well I’m the one in your arms right now, aren’t I?” Not only was Hermione wrapped in Draco’s strong arms, but she was only clothed in his oversized dress shirt. Draco whimpered like a spoiled child when she started getting dressed, saying she was too cold to lay around naked, but his mood did a 180° when Hermione put on  _ his _ clothes. There was just something about her wearing a shirt with the Malfoy crest on it that made him feel ecstatic. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Draco shifted so he could place a peck on Hermione’s lips.

“We should go soon.” Hermione muttered against Draco’s lips. Every day she felt herself growing fonder and fonder of him. Although they both decided to keep war-talk out of their relationship, neither ever stopped thinking about what it would mean for them. Especially Hermione.

She couldn’t imagine having to let go of Draco, having to fight against him. Hermione’s hopes rested on Draco eventually seeing the light, but god forbid that didn’t happen, and they found each other on opposite sides, Hermione wouldn’t know how to cope. Her thoughts were constantly plagued with ‘what-if’ situations. What if she had to choose between Draco and Harry or Ron? 

Hermione struggled with keeping up with the evergrowing pro-con list growing in her mind. Being with Draco started becoming more and more similar to breathing air. Against all odds, it was so  _ easy _ . But she’d been through it all with Harry and Ron. They were always there, even when she didn’t want them there. She loved them. They were the first boys she ever loved.

She had hated Draco. No one had ever hurt her like he did (except maybe herself). But now her emotions for him rivaled those she had ever felt before. It wasn’t like her platonic love for Harry and Ron, it was unlike her romance with Viktor. It was something completely foreign. Maybe love? Hermione didn’t want to admit it to herself yet. She’d always thought teenagers overused the term ‘love’, and she was not about to become a cliché. But at her core she knew she was falling in love with him, and he her.

Hermione was always insecure, never completely sure if she was wanted or loved. Despite how Draco had treated her just weeks prior, all her troubles washed away with him. She knew he thought she was beautiful. Hell, he almost made her believe it. She wasn’t afraid to be exposed; she felt comfortable in her own skin around him, a feat she hadn’t felt since her early childhood.

When she was with Viktor she never knew if he was just using her, if he was going to dump her for some other girl, if she was good enough; She was scared he would realize she wasn’t all that special and move on without giving her a second thought. When he left for Bulgaria Hermione was sure he would just forget about her.

Hermione didn’t doubt Draco. She was wary the first week or so, but soon everything faded away. They were surprisingly compatible. Both had similar traits and quirks, as well as destructive coping mechanisms and heavy emotional baggage.

  
  


Draco shifted away from Hermione and leaned his torso over the bed, fumbling with the pockets of his discarded pants. He pulled out a small white stick. It took a moment for Hermione to realize it was a muggle cigarette. By then Draco had already lit it with the snap of his fingers, igniting a small spark thanks to a bit of wandless magic.

“Didn’t know you smoked.” Hermione said casually, but there was obvious annoyance and slight disgust in her voice.

“I’ll put it out if you want.” Draco offered, not picking up on why Hermione was actually annoyed. Wizards didn’t really have to worry about silly muggle diseases like cancer. It wasn’t unheard of that wizards died of cancer, but it was usually caught and treated early. The only wizards who died were those who missed their yearly healer checkups, and therefore weren’t treated in time.

The only reason Draco could think of why Hermione was suddenly shrugging out of his arms and putting on her clothes, was that she had a disdain for the smell. “I’m not your keeper, Draco. Do whatever you want.” Hermione huffed out while she was pulling on her pants.

Draco put the so-called stick of death out on the nightstand. “There, it’s out. Come back to bed.”

“We have to get going.”

“Why are you being like that? You wanted me to put it out, so I did. What are you bitching about?” Draco’s annoyance was only stimulating Hermione’s annoyance.

“I’m not bitching about anything! Draco, people are almost starting to wake up. I don’t know what you want me to do about that. We have to fucking go!”

“Fine!” Draco huffed out angrily and started aggressively pulling his pants on too. “For fucks sake… If you want me to leave faster you should probably hand me my shirt back.”

Hermione didn’t reply, but started fumbling with the shirt buttons, trying to get it off. She was obviously struggling, because her fingers were trembling with repressed anger and frustration. Draco couldn’t see how much she was shaking from where he was sitting, so he dramatically sighed and started walking over to her side of the bed. “Is it really that hard to unbutton a damn-” Draco, immediately upon the sight of the tears streaming, shut his mouth. He gently placed his hand on Hermione’s struggling one's, halting her action. “I’m sorry for saying you were bitching-”

“Merline, it’s not about-” Hermione took a sharp breath while standing up and angrily shaking Draco’s hands off hers. “It’s not fucking fair.” She muttered with a tremble in her voice.

“What’s not fair?”

“You’re ruining your lungs for fun, and you can, because all consequences are treatable. Meanwhile my uncle  _ died _ ! He wasn’t even a fucking smoker but he still  _ died _ . It’s bullshit. The wizarding world has taken over  _ so _ much from muggles. Instruments, vehicles, radio’s. But they won’t extend any medicine that could save millions of lives, children’s lives!”

Draco didn’t exactly understand what the correlation was between not smoking and Hermione’s uncle dying, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t need questions right now. “You’re right. It’s all bullshit.”

“He was a loving father, and a devoted husband. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“One rarely does.”

“It wasn’t even quick and painless. He spent months suffering through extensive treatments that probably killed him faster than the cancer. You wouldn’t even have recognized him by the time he died. He looked like a completely different person.”

“Were you two close?”

Hermione nodded and sat back down on the bed, leaning into Draco, who on instinct started playing with her hair. It calmed both of them down. “He lived with us for a while. Before I ever even knew I was a witch. He was finishing his university degree and it was quite close to our house. He couldn’t afford to live on his own yet so he stayed in the guest room until he graduated. He was the best.”

“ _ You _ could be the change, Hermione.”

“What?”

“After Hogwarts. Become a healer, then share wizarding cures with muggles.” It was a very progressive idea from Draco’s part. A year ago he’d be preaching muggles deserved to die, but Hermione was changing him in and out.

“Easier said than done.” Hermione scoffed.

“Never said it’d be easy.”

“It’s near impossible. There are more people than I can count with cancer. I couldn’t possibly heal them all. Besides, I could never be a healer. I’m not exactly known for my bedside manner.”

“You could do it through the ministry. If anyone could, it’d be you.”

“Careful, Draco. You’re starting to sound like you care about muggles.” Hermione joked.

“Anything you care about, I care about.”

“Even Harry and Ron?” Hermione teased, already knowing his answer.

“Well, every rule has an exception.” Hermione rolled her eyes at him, but still saw this as progress. At least he didn’t insult either of her friends this time. He started doing it less and less, at least around Hermione. He knew how much it annoyed her when he talked bad about her friends. Sooner or later, he’d have to accept that her friends weren’t going anywhere, and he wouldn’t be leaving Hermione either. 

“Tell me more about your uncle.”

“We really have to get going, though.”

“Tonight?”

“I have patrol.” Hermione and Draco decided it was probably smartest not to patrol together. It would raise suspicion if he just accepted his fate of strolling around with a mudblood. The Draco everyone knew would throw a fit. Hermione was back to patrolling with Padma, and Draco with Ernie.

“After?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

After they parted ways, Hermione’s thoughts were flooded with warm memories of her loving uncle. She could remember all his striking features: his large, crooked nose, his big, flappy ears. They way he loved spoiling Hermione. There were so many stories, and so much to love. Hermione never liked talking about him; it brought up a love of pain. But right now, she couldn’t wait to tell Draco everything.

Somewhere during her trip down memory lane, Hermione started wondering about Draco and what his family was like. Of course she had already had the great misfortune of meeting Lucius, but she couldn’t possibly believe he was like that  _ all _ the time. Being one of the most influential families in the wizarding world, the Malfoy’s were bound to put on a certain facade for the media. What was Lucius like behind closed doors? And how was Narcissa? 

Hermione had gotten vague rundowns of the pair, but Draco never went into great detail about his family. Actually, most of what Hermione knew about the Malfoy’s she had gotten from other sources. From what Sirius had told Harry, what Theo and Blaise mentioned in converse, hell, even all the blasted rumours pug faced Pansy had started.

Draco was never one for telling, he usually showed what he thought. He was a very physical being. Hermione drew conclusions about him from the way he acted and spoke, but in reality she knew very little, concrete things: Lucius was abusive, but Narcissa was loving and devoted.

Funny how little she knew about the man she was falling so hard for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> So first and foremost, sorry for updating so late. I've been in a bad place lately mentally and just can't bring myself to do anything, even make a rough sketch of what I want a chapter to be. But that is unfair to you, especially since I haven't even taken the time to let you know there wouldn't be any updates for a couple of weeks.
> 
> I finally pushed myself to start writing and ended up with way too many pages to fit into one chapter, so I decided to split them up. This is part one. I haven't completely finished part 2 of this but I plan on updating the story shortly, maybe even tomorrow.
> 
> I'm sorry for being so inconsistent. I'm just really trying to keep myself together. All I can do is promise I'll try to get back to a semi regular schedule. Bare with me.
> 
> All my love <3
> 
> PS. TW! The next part will contain elements of non-con (assault, but not rape), based on something I went through personally. If this is a sensetive topic for you, I urge you not to read the next chapter.


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! this chapter will contain sexual assault (not rape) and violence.

Hermione once again glanced at her wristwatch. Padma was only a couple minutes late, but the girl was usually extremely punctual. Hermione couldn’t help but feel a little worried.

As if right on cue, Hermione heard paced footsteps coming down the stairs, except the face she was planning on looked a hell of a lot different.

“Mclaggen?!” She exclaimed. “If you’re really going to sneak out of your dorms, you should at least have enough common sense not to do it so openly. I’m afraid I’m going to have to-”

“Sush, sush, ‘Mione.” Hermione grit her teeth as her nickname escaped his mouth. “Patil asked me to switch patrols last minute.”

“What? Doesn’t sound like her not to inform me. And besides, since when are you even a prefect?”

“She may or may not have told me this morning, as well as to tell you. Must’ve slipped my mind. And as for my status as a Prefect, turns out Howarts is short a few. Parents are scared and pulling their kids out of school left and right.” Cormac was speaking with such ease as if he’d completely forgotten about all the rumours he started about Hermione. He stuck out his elbow for Hermione to grab onto. “Now if you’re done interrogating me, may we commence with patrol?”

Hermione glanced him up and down and scoffed at his arm gesture, before swiftly proceeding to walk past him.

“I see you’re still mad about the whole robe thing. Look, ‘Mione-”

“It’s Granger to you.” Hermione started to walk at a faster pace, trying to make this nightmare end faster.

“Granger. I’m sorry.” Hermione rolled her eyes as a response. “No, I’m serious. I talk out of my ass, never thinking of the consequences. I didn’t think that everyone would turn on you like that. It was just a silly joke. I already told all my mates nothing happened. I promise.”

Hermione stopped walking and thought for a second. Cormac’s apology seemed to be heartfelt. He made some good points too. He wasn’t some Slytherin who was doing this for his own good, besides, Cormac didn’t have anything to gain from apologizing. It seemed he really did feel bad. “Okay, I forgive you.”

Cormac’s face broke into a huge grin. He gently elbowed Hermione in a friendly manner. “So, are we back on a first name basis?”

“Sure, Cormac.” Hermione gave him a small smile. 

The both of them started some polite small talk. Time seemed to fly by, and soon they were both sore from laughing so hard. Through all her hatred Hermione seemed to forget about how funny Cormac was. He didn’t have the brains, or the looks, but he sure fulfilled his role as the class clown.

“In all seriousness, can I ask you for some advice, Hermione?”

“Of course.” Hermione was expecting some academic question, as that’s what people usually asked her about. She wasn’t expecting anything nearly as personal as Cormac was about to ask her.

“So I like this girl. She seems pretty shy, and a bit clueless when it comes to relationships. She’s been taking all my hints the wrong way. I don’t really know what to do.”

“Oh, I wasn’t really expecting that.” Hermione took a few seconds to think before continuing. “Well if she’s really as clueless as you think, maybe try being more direct.”

“Are you sure? I really like her. Wouldn’t want to mess it up.”

“It’s what I would do.” Hermione knew this was a lie. She was never direct with Ron, back when she liked him, but that was a whole different situation.

Before Hermione could go deeper into thought about that, she felt herself being slammed against a wall. Cormac’s sloppy lips found hers, and his hand were cupping her face with such force that she couldn’t even flinch away. His body was pressed up against hers, taking away any escape.

Hermione was struggling to breath because the sides of his hands were digging into her throat, taking away airflow. She was desperately trying to push him off by fisting his shirt and shoving him away, but his stance was too firm. In fact, he only saw this as Hermione edging him on.

She had to try a different way of getting out of this. Hermione let go of his shirt and instead started to dig her nails into his hands so hard she drew blood. Finally, Cormac let up and abruptly brought his head up. Hermione gasped for air. 

He dipped his head right next to her ear. “So you like it rough?”

Cormac grabbed Hermione’s wrists with such force she knew they’d bruise. With his other hand he started to painfully dig his fingers into her hip bone. He held her against the bricks and brought his mouth back to hers, forcing his tongue inside.

Hermione couldn’t reach her wand, it was past curfew and they were far from any open spaces. She started to realize her fate. A sob escaped her throat, even though crying was the last thing she wanted to do right now. Her sob only sounded like another moan. Cormac started grinding himself against her. 

His hand started slowly traveling her body, higher and higher, almost reaching her breast until he was violently pulled off her. Hermione wasn’t yet prepared to stand so she fell to the floor. With her mouth finally free she could vocalize her sobs and protests, as she wrapped her arms around her knees. She shut her eyes and tried to calm herself down, but thoughts of what could have happened made her only heave harder.

Hermione was completely oblivious to what was going on next to her. Draco was on his way to the room of requirement. He could get some work done before he was supposed to meet Hermione. He heard some ruffling and couldn’t help but look into what was causing the noise, the constant paranoia made him.

The moment he saw Hermione struggling against Cormac he saw red. He pulled out his wand and blasted Cormac away from Hermione while he made his way towards the two. He was prepared to Avada Kedavra him, but his fury needed to be outed. 

Draco found himself on top of the boy, slamming his fists into his face with all his might, over and over. He couldn’t even describe the all-consuming emotions he was feeling in this moment. There were so many.

When Hermione finally pulled herself together enough to open her eyes, it took her a moment to analyze exactly what was going on: her boyfriend was on top of her assaulter, beating the living shit out of him, and was showing no signs of stopping. With every hit, Cormac’s body flinched less and less. The gurgling sounds of his own blood pooling in his mouth started dimming, as Cormac finally grew limp. 

Right now Hermione knew she had to compartmentalize and shove all her feelings aside. She hoped Cormac had just passed out. There was no explaining murder to Dumbledore.

“Draco!” Hermione managed out, voice cracking from still being so emotional. Draco didn’t even bat an eye at Hermione’s voice. Hermione got up as fast as she could, but her body wasn’t working with her. Her limbs wouldn’t stop shaking as she tried to stand straight. When she finally did she stumbled to Draco and shoved him off Cormac as hard as her body would let her, considering the trauma it just went through. There was no reasoning with Draco. It was like he had shut himself off from the world completely. Pushing him would hopefully make him snap out of his rage.

She was right. Draco blinked a couple of times as he came back down to earth. Hermione didn’t look or say anything, instead leaning over Cormac to check if he still had a pulse. He did. Hermione didn’t know whether she should be relieved or not. She stumbled back to the wall and slumped against it, burying her head in her knees once again.

It wasn’t fair that she had to worry about Cormac’s wellbeing. It wasn’t fair that she had to save Cormac after what he had done. He was infringing on her time to grieve. Grieve her safety, because she knew she wouldn’t ever feel safe again. Not at Hogwarts anyways.

It wasn’t fair she was in this situation in the first place. She was angry. So fucking angry. If Padma hadn’t switched patrols, or if she’d at least told her, she could’ve been prepared. If only those parents didn’t pull their kids out of school, Cormac would never even have had the chance. If fucking Voldemort didn’t come back they wouldn’t have even had to pull their kids out.

And if Draco had one shred of self control Hermione wouldn’t have to have been worried about her assailant’s wellbeing. If he could’ve contained his murderous rage and gotten a teacher, this whole situation would be better. Now he was probably going to get kicked out of school, and he would’ve exposed their relationship.

“What the fuck did you do, Draco?!” Hermione practically screamed at him as her tears resurfaced on her face. “You’re going to get expelled!”

Draco’s heart broke as he heard the pain in Hermione’s wails. “Hermione-” He started softly, as he slowly began approaching her.

“Everyone’s gonna know everyone’s gonna know everyonesgonnaknow…” Hermione sobbed out, her voice wet with worry. “Fuck you!”

Draco knew she was just projecting. She was trying to distract herself from what Cormac did to her by focusing on other problems. It was just her coping mechanism. “No one’s going to know, Hermione.” Draco crouched down to her level. He didn’t know how to comfort her. He didn’t want to risk triggering her with his touch.

“Well how the  _ fuck _ do you plan on explaining this shit, then?!” Hermione screamed at him. She proceeded to cry with cracks in her voice. Draco didn’t think he’d ever heard a sound more heartbreaking. He had to do something.

Draco stood up and walked over to Cormac’s limp, bloodied body. With a look of disgust he spat on him, before pulling out his wand and healing his face. It wasn’t perfect; it would still hurt. So Draco cast a glamour spell on top of that. Cormac looked brand new.

This however wouldn’t stop Cormac from tattling, especially about how protective Draco is over Hermione. This would lead to so many questions, questions Draco and Hermione just couldn’t afford.

“Obliviate” Draco cast out. Hermione gasped. She finally stopped crying and just looked on while Draco took Cormac’s memories.

After he was done there was a long silence. Draco didn’t want to move or say anything before Hermione was ready. 

Finally, Hermione spoke up, voice still shrill. “You’re 17. You might’ve just jumbled his brains. You don’t think someone will notice when he’s unable to speak or walk or-”

“I didn’t fuck up the spell.” The confidence in which Draco said that shut Hermione up. How was he so sure of this?

After another pause Hermione spoke up again, with a new problem. “That didn’t fix anything. What’s stopping him from trying that again?” Hermione was expecting Draco to say something along the lines of ‘I’ll protect you’, to which Hermione already had a plethora of counter arguments against, but those words never came out of Draco’s mouth.

Instead, Draco kicked Cormac in the nuts, waking the boy up with a loud groan. Hermione flinched as he woke up, fear flooding her thoughts once more. Before anyone could react, Draco was aiming his wand at Cormac again. 

“Imperius.” As he said this, Hermione brought a shaky hand to cover her mouth. “You will never touch, talk or even look at Hermione Granger again. Leave her alone. And don’t you dare touch another girl like that either. Now you will go back to your dorms and sleep. You will not mention the pain you feel on your face to anyone. Go”

Hermione watched a dazed Cormac walk away. When he was out of sight, Draco crouched down near her again, careful to be not too close. “Hermione, tell me what you need, what you want. Tell me what to do.”

Hermione couldn’t look Draco in the eyes. She just stared out in front of her with furrowed brows. The silence stretched for minutes until finally she spoke up. “I… I need a drink.”

Draco nodded and stood up. He held out a hand, but Hermione didn’t take it. She shakily, and slowly stood up by herself. Draco matched her slow place while he led her to the tunnels that took them to his room. Usually they’d never do this, but he could bet that nobody would be awake. And Hermione said she needed booze. Right now, Draco would do anything for her.

When they finally got to his room Hermione sat on the very edge of his bed while Draco got out a bottle of Firewhiskey. Instead of sitting next to her on his bed, he pulled out his desk chair and sat on that, silently telling her to get more comfortable on his bed. And she did. 

Draco was about to reach for a whiskey glass, but Hermione grabbed the bottle out of his hands and took a few big gulps, straight out of the bottle.

Draco just sat and watched her.

After she’d finished about half the bottle she set it down on the floor and pulled her legs up to her chest. She still hadn’t made eye contact with Draco. Her arms wrapped around her knees and she buried her head in the shield they’d created. The movement made her sleeves go up just above her wrists, making her purple bruises in the form of a hand print visible.

“Hermione. Let me heal those.” Draco whispered. Hermione didn’t make a sound. “Please.”

Finally, Hermione looked up at Draco gazing eyes. His grey orbs were filled with concern and worry. Hermione noted the absence of remorse. “Don’t you fucking dare use magic on me.”

“Wh-”

“Just forget about everything else for a second. Draco, you cast an ‘obliviate’  _ and _ an unforgivable without batting an eyelash, and with enough confidence that makes me believe this wasn’t the first time.”

That… was not what Draco was expecting. He wasn’t really expecting anything; well, really he was prepared for anything. Knowing Hermione she was either going to break down sobbing for days and then act like nothing ever happened, or act like nothing happened and break down months from now. He wasn’t prepared for her to start up a whole other problem.

He knew he couldn’t exactly tell her that the Dark Lord and the other death eaters had been training him in Dark Arts the whole summer. Lying was always like second nature for Draco, but somehow he just struggled when it came to lying to Hermione. Had it been anyone else, lies would be rolling off his tongue by now, but it wasn’t just anybody else.

Draco stared at Hermione and decided the best course of action was to change the subject “Hermione, I think you’re trying to-”

“Don’t.” Hermione stood up in anger and started pacing the room. “Don’t you dare try to manipulate me into thinking I’m crazy for thinking about this. And don’t you dare lie to me either. We promised we wouldn’t lie.”

“Well then why weren’t you with Padma then? You told me you had patrol with her.”

“Don’t fucking change the subject either. And fuck you. I thought I had patrol with her too, but then Cormac showed up in her stead.” To Hermione Draco’s words sounded like he was trying to blame  _ her _ for being in that situation with Cormac. She couldn’t believe the nerve of him.

“You know what? A thank you would suffice. I saved you. What does it matter how?” Draco was talking out of his ass and he knew it. He hated the way he was speaking to Hermione. He was probably making her feel even worse than she already did, but it was for her own good. The further away he kept her from the truth, the safer she was.

“Wow.” After he said that, all emotion left Hermione’s face and her body language looked almost as if she’d given up. But her eyes gave it away. She was hurt, she was confused, she was angry, and she was definitely not letting this go. “It’s that bad, huh? You know, by avoiding the subject you’re only making me assume the worst.”

“And what is that? The worst.”

“ _ He _ ’s staying with you, isn’t he? He’s been at the manor the whole summer.”

“No.” Draco grit through his teeth.

“No lies, remember?” Hermione taunted. Draco sprung out of his chair and swiftly made his way over to Hermione. He was looming, towering over her. His height would intimidate any other, but Hermione stood her ground.

“I’m not  _ fucking _ lying. He’s not there.” 

Hermione’s frustration got the better of her as she couldn’t keep her fury in anymore. “Liar!” She shoved Draco with her hand against his chest. Her strength couldn’t compare to his, but she took him by surprise, making him stumble back. Slightly. Angry tears pooled in her eyes. “You’re such a fucking liar!” She shoved him again, but this time he didn’t budge.

“Merlin’s fucking balls, my father taught me those spells!” Draco screamed at her. He didn’t raise his voice because he was angry. He did it because he knew she was right, and the guilt was eating at him.

Hermione fell still, analysing Draco’s face with furrowed brows, trying to find a sign of a lie. The truth is, she hadn’t the slightest clue if he was lying or not. He hardly ever spoke about his father in detail, so she couldn’t see any tells in his face. She finally concluded he was telling the truth. Maybe because it seemed believable he’d lie about his father’s deeds, or maybe just because she wanted to believe he was a better man than he really was. Maybe because she was tired of fighting.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” Hermione’s voice was now considerably less loud, but still stone cold. Before Draco had a chance to answer that with a half-cooked lie, she continued. “Why don’t you ever tell me anything? At least not from the get-go. I have to pry it out of you.”

“I told you! What does it matter how long it took? Look, can we just drop-”

“Don’t you trust me?” New tears formed in Hermione’s eyes, now full of pain.

“I- of course I do. There’s no one I trust more than you.” Suddenly Draco found himself breathless.

“I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you.”

“Of course you do. Nobody knows me better than you, not even my own parents!”

“That really doesn’t say much, Draco.” Hermione sighed and took a seat on the bed. She shook her head with closed eyes, trying to make the tears stop coming. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you get that I love you?”

Draco’s blood ran cold. It was as if reality hit him. They were in too deep. Hermione was fierce and determined. He was betraying her with every breath he took, and now she loves him. Not even him; a facade he created, a character he played so well that Hermione, the brightest witch of her age, fell for him. “Take it back.”

Hermione’s heartbroken eyes looked up at Draco, tears spilling freely now. She didn’t care about her stupid pride anymore. She was overwhelmed with sadness. And anger, at herself for letting her fall for a man who doesn’t love her back. “Wha-”

“Say you were just trying to make me laugh, so nothing has to change today; you didn’t mean-”

“So what? You don’t love me? What the fuck have we been doing all this for? All this lying and sneaking around; all this effort. Was this all just so you could get  _ laid _ ?” Hermione spat the words with disgust. Her brain was going haywire, all her insecurities coming to the surface. How could she have really believed someone could love her? She was so fucking broken. It would be too much for anyone, let alone Draco fucking Malfoy. 

“No, fuck- Hermione…” Draco stuttered out. He didn’t mean to make her feel like that. She was perfect. It pained him that she didn’t know; that she still couldn’t see herself the way the rest of the world did. “I love you so much it hurts. I'm not easily scared but loving you scares me more than the Dark Lord himself. Don’t you get it? I love you and I don’t want to, but I do.”

A heavy silence ensued. Hermione stared at Draco intently and Draco was trying to read her face. She wore a calculating look, one he was all too familiar with. If he were in her shoes he wouldn’t want anything to do with him, especially after what he just revealed. Love wasn’t supposed to be  _ scary _ , love wasn’t supposed to be pushed away. If you could choose your emotions, Draco would never in a million years have chosen to love Hermione Granger.

Hermione is an organized person. She loved to plan every single detail and hated surprises. She tried to plan her future, love included. She’d never planned this: being madly in love with someone who hated that he loved her. Hermione had always thought she’d marry someone proud to be with her, maybe Viktor Krum. Durmstrang didn’t even accept muggle borns, but Viktor pursued her anyway. He was one of the best Quidditch players of his time, and the king of his school. Bulgaria’s most sought after suiter, yet he chose Hermione, despite everyone telling him not to.

There was never a spark as bright as the one she had with Draco, but it felt nice to be wanted;  _ truly _ wanted.

“What are you thinking about” Draco broke the silence, after what felt like an eternity.

Hermione took a deep, shaky breath before replying. “I think… I think I might want you in my life forever. I think I never want to let you go. But I know one day I’ll have to. Not because I want to, but because you’ll never choose me and I will never beg.”

Draco’s main focus was his reputation, his pride. They both knew the war was coming. It wasn’t an ‘if’ anymore. It was unspoken, but deep inside Hermione already knew that when the time comes, Draco would not be fighting beside her.

“I love you.” Draco whispered. Hermione was right, and he knew it.

“I don’t think that’s enough.”

Draco closed the distance between him and Hermione, and softly kissed her. It felt like sweet death. “It has to be.” He kissed her with more passion, cupping her face. Hermione placed her hands on the sides of his face too, savouring the moment. She felt a tear connect with her finger. She removed her hands off of Draco’s face and put them on top of his, giving a small squeeze before pulling them off her face, breaking their kiss.

Neither of the teens looked each other in the eyes. They stood for a couple moments, foreheads touching. Hermione wondered how she could ever live without him. Her chest felt heavy just thinking about it. She couldn’t understand how Draco could claim he loved her but not feel the same weight as her. He didn’t even seem like he was struggling with a choice. It would always be anything but her.

Hermione backed away and sat on Draco’s bed, angry tears she was dying to hold back falling down her face. “So what now?” She asked Draco. He didn’t budge from his stance or say anything. Anger overtook Hermione. “Are you sure you even love me? Or are you just using me as a way to rebel against your dad?!”

“How can you even say that?” Draco spun to face her. “How the fuck can you even say that, Hermione!”

“Can you blame me?!” Hermione stood to meet his gaze.

“We keep having the same fucking fight. I’m tired of it. Sick to my fucking core.”

“Well so the fuck am I! But we never seem to reach a conclusion, do we?”

“We do! Just ‘cause the answer isn’t to your liking, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you  _ always _ try to control everything and then throw a temper tantrum when it doesn’t go exactly your way. You want to predict every single little detail. Why can’t this just be enough. Why can’t we just deal with whatever’s coming, when it comes, instead of torturing ourselves like this. What’s the fucking point of all this heartache?!”

“You’re right.” Hermione said, back to a normal voice; eerily calm. “What  _ is _ the point?”

Draco’s face completely shifted, now displaying his fears. “That’s not what I meant-”

“You said it yourself. We know what is going to happen. No use in me fighting it. We’re doomed.”

“No.” Draco was shaking his head vigorously. “We are  _ not _ doomed-”

“Draco-”

“-Because I choose you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> First of all, happy New Year! Secondly, sorry. I know it took me way too long to update but honestly I've been feeling dead inside and unmotivated the past couple of months. Mentally, I'm a mess. The only reason I finally posted this chapter is becuase I'd already written half before this depressive episode hit me and I got a new bath table, so I felt like i might as well finish the chapter if I'm stuck in the bath with my laptop.  
> This chapter especially was a bitch to write 'cause I went through something similar as Hermione, but I didn't know my Cormac, and mine was a 25 year old predator. I thought it would help me heal to write about it, even if it's not exactly the same. I know a lot of people, girls and boys, experience sexual assault and harrassment. If you're one of them, I am so so sorry. I hope you will heal and one day become a survivor, in place of a victim.   
> I hope I can update this more often, but I can't make any promises.  
> I'm sorry :/ but I promise I'm not giving up on this fic!
> 
> PS: There was a Billie Eilish lyric in there. did you catch it?


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